Day 23:opportunity

I am exhausted, but I feel thankful today for opportunity...the opportunity to serve the city I love through my church and the relationships it has with those in the city. I am thankful I have the means and opportunity. So many have asked for money to help those in Nepal, but my heart aches most for those hurting in my backyard. I know Nepal needs help and I have friends and their families there too, but this is home. 

Dat 22: The Gift to Share

Today was one of my graduate presentations, which I have been nervous about all semester. It is my longest presentation, but also about the topic I care about the most- Child life. Initially I asked if I could discuss Drama, but I was quickly shot down, and for that I am grateful. I realized later that this professor wants us to disccuss more deeply profound issues in schools. Some did not choose those issues, but I think she knew I was okay taking on a challenge, so she dared me. Challenge accepted.

I was a bit nervous to be honest, but I always am before a presentation. I get stage fright. I know. The actor gets stage fright. I do. Every. Time. Ever since I siezed up completely in a performance in college, it has scared me....(that performance that I siezed up in was the best I have given in my life, for the record. I siezed up, but was able to use the fear to propel the monologue to a place it had never been. It was kinda great,  even if I had a complete diva-esque meltdown right afterwards.) I get stagefright, but whenever I get in front of an audience, or in this case a classroom, suddenly it all melts away. It is in that moment I remember that I love this and I wouldn't change it for the world.

I had the opportunity to present child life to my teacher colleagues and it was as if I had opened a whole new world before them. It was beautiful. It was absolutely my blessing for the day and I felt honored to share it with them and share a bit of myself and my hopes for the future with them.

Day 21: Energy and My Baltimore

When I got home today, I smiled and said what a great day today was. Then I looked at my digital Washington Post and hear the helicopters and sirens that were too far to hear at work. Reality set in. As I started to ponder this I wasn't sure what I was thankful for. My heart is heavy and so shaken by all that is happening so close to home. I don't know what to say. I don't know what I can do. I close my eyes and pray, but all that happens is tears flow. The thing that comes to mind is...

Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city... I never thought that applied to home but today... To Baltimore, which I visit at least once a week... I had no idea you held so much pain and anguish within your borders...

When I think about my day, it pales in comparison to the days of others whose lives were destroyed. I think of the children my friend teaches in the city. What was their day like? I think of my friend whose husband is in blue. What was their day like? I feel guilty talking about my day. 

I will anyway but I'll keep it brief. Thanks to my rest yesterday, I felt energized today, took on the day despite many wrenches hurdled at me and only needed like 1/2 my normal coffee intake!!!:) Hoping to keep sleep to 8 hours- no less his week to keep the energy flowing.

Back to what I was saying before. If you are reading this, please pray for my Baltimore. No, I am not one of those pain in the butt Marylanders who goes once a year and claims it as theirs, but I truly love this city. As I type, I have heard a helicopter and 3 sets of sirens. I had no clue it could get so close to home.

Day 20:sleep

It's amusing to me how offended people are that I decided to stop using Facebook for the time being. People are acting like I am dying. I promise, I am very much alive and well. I just need to focus on the final weeks of school and the people who are right here in front of me instead of fancifully following people who I don't actually know, but merely follow on a page designed for people to foster feelings of jealousy. That's where I am at. Do not try to convince me, because you are not me. I need a break, so that is what I am doing. If people want to talk to me, they will find a way. I will be off of Facebook at least until day 40 of my 40 day challenge. We will see how things go from there.

Anyway,... today has been low-key, but I realized how tired I really was because I have spent much of the day sleeping. Which has been really nice. Minus the obscure dreams...but we can't always get what we want right? I suppose the rest is my blessing of the day- time to just take naps and rest.

I have a lot of thoughts running around this head of mine, but I'm not really sure how to write them, so I'm going to wait until an opportunity presents itself at a later time.

For now, enjoy the final moments of the weekend, love those who are around you, soak up the moments of those in your days, and make the most of the moments you have- for you never know when might be your last.

Day 19: Time

Today, I had the luxury of time. I was able to have the time to study for 3 straight hours this morning into the afternoon, then work on a project this evening for a solid 4.5 hours. I had no idea it would take me that long, but I am so thankful I had the time to work on it. So often, I am simply rushed and have to get things done and feel the heat, but today, I could focus on a task at a time and work through things.

Now, I am by no means much further on my list, but I feel better. Tomorrow is my rest day. Tomorrow's rest day will be modified to include time to clean. My room is a disaster and needs to be cleaned/organized. I will mandate myself to sleep in, I'll meet a friend for some lunch, then I'll head back and clean on my own watch. If I get overwhelmed by the thought of work at any point, I'll give myself permission to work on one project, but no more and I will give myself a time limit. Otherwise, no work until Monday. I need tomorrow to cool my coals and gear up for what very well may be the craziest week of the semester.

On another note, after some thought and reflection, I have decided to disable my Facebook, at least for the time being. I need a break from it all. I am so overwhelmed by the idea that there are real live people around me daily that I miss because I am so captivated by looking at people's 'highlight reel', which breeds jealousy in me and thoughts that are not thoughts I want to have about my friends. I don't understand why it has become okay for people to share photos, thoughts, reflections, and feelings with 1,000 of their 'friends', when true friends are sitting there waiting for them to call, spend time with them, share a photo with them directly, or reach out. This is going to be hard for me. I have people all over the world who will not even blink at the fact that I am not on facebook anymore. But, this will make me take a look at the relationships I have and decide which were superficial and superfluous, and which are meaningful and ones that I need to truly foster and hold dear to me.

I have so much on my heart and mind tonight, but I will share more tomorrow, as I hope to write a bit of a longer blog, since it's my down day:) My heart is heavy and I certainly think there's a reason I have this burden. I am both nervous and excited to see where this leads. More tomorrow.

Till then, be safe. Love those around you. As we taught our kids tonight, be a part of the SOLUTION, not the problem... boy does that ever reign true tonight.

Day 18:Bounty

Today was a day where I had to convince myself to not panic, breathe, and repeat. I had a full class today and one of the kids has never had me without my head teacher before. She is one of our youngest, but truly needs the firmness my head teacher provides that simply is not in my teaching style. Today I had to pretend it was because I was hit, kicked and spat on enough that I was at my wits end. That and the other kids were also going through this- not just me, so we all needed me to be firmer than normal. 

At lunch, I almost got into a pretty nasty car accident, but thankfully saw the car coming who would've plowed me...they were at fault btw. At that moment, I had it. I burst into tears. I am not a tearful person generally, but when I am stressed, I can end up that way in seconds depending on the situation... This was one of them. 

I gathered myself, got a powerful coffee, got work done, geared up for the afternoon and did well for about an hour then hit a wall and there was no saving it... 

Despite the chaos, panic, frustration, anger, pain, and tears of the day... There is a blessing:)

When I was getting my things together this morning, this is what I saw...

My little corner of the fridge- bare...old Hummus and brown rice were the knly companions. I knew what was coming later in the day... Friday is grocery day. I never have time Saturday and Sunday would be too stressful and it is my rest day, so Friday on my way home from work, I go to Aldi. This week I also went to get more coffee to fuel the studying I needed to do, which thankfully worked. 

I got this stash...for...wait for it...

$14!!!! Fruit, veggies, eggs, milk, and yogurt for the week- my staples. I have frozen curry and stir fry so no need for other food. Perfection. I felt blessed to have 1)access to foods at all. Food that is good for me and fuels me. Food that is safe, clean and won't kill me if I pick the wrong one. 2)access to affordable food. For so long I assumed if I want to eat well, I must pay an arm and a leg. While I am learning I do need to buy some foods organic, I am learning which I do not need to and am able to work with it. 

Thankful is what I am. I never waste my food because I have seen too many who have no food. I challenge you to ponder that thought and ship mindfully. 

Day 17:Music

I feel like this is a cop-out, but truly, I have no more to say than this.... I am at the bottom of my barrel today. I am the head teacher until next Tuesday, I have 4 HUGE projects due in the next 2 weeks, along with 4 papers I've pushed off, which is my fault and I am drowning.

Without the soundtracks that have helped keep my head above water and God... I would have crumbled and given up by now. Praying and listening my way through the next 2 weeks and praying harder than ever I get offered this great opportunity to serve my department so that I can ease up on the work and focus more on school.

I feel like I am drowning, but thankful for my life vest and anchor at times like these. Prayers and encouragement appreciated. Caffeine too if you have any.