There are times when I look at my life and go, 'Man... I'm letting my life pass me by...' I struggle just to get through my day-to-day tasks and sleep or watch tv when I'm free from those tasks that can drag me down. Then, there are times when I am so deep in thought and wonder how I can be so content letting life pass by- feeling under accomplished and like I need to do more with my free time.
You may be reading this and saying, “And this is coming from the girl who was in Africa for 2.5 years...”. True, I was. Do I regret not putting myself out there for 2/3 of that time- yes. I look back and say to myself, “Self, what were you doing watching movies all the time and resting so much?” It is true that I needed a lot of 'bounce-back' time on board- especially during my 1.5 years as a receptionist... those shifts kill you. And true I did get to know patients and worked off ship, but I feel like I could've done a lot more. I could've gotten invested in an off-site place each country we went to. I also feel like I'm probably being hard on myself. But then I look at my current life situation and go, “I do not like this...”
I'm in a weird transition phase, but when is anyone NOT in one of these phases. I recently took on going to Children's and volunteering and volunteering at my nephew's school, which are certainly awesome and filling up my 'free time' a bit more. But, there are times I am about to burst at my seems thinking, 'COME ON, GET UP AND GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!!' There is so much I WANT to do, but don't. I want to go camping. Alone. By myself in the woods. I want to travel and see all of those I love so much around the US and the world. I want to go to Guinea and see my kids. I want to absorb as much knowledge as possible. I want to be an amazing person and advocate for those who have no voice. I want to have a connection with God deeper than ever before. I want to redesign my room so I have a place I WANT to be, but also keep it clean and tidy. What's holding me back? Me. I am. Fear. Uncertainty. Resources.
Truth is... these are all sad excuses. Truthfully the only one I'm not sure if I could make happen is the camping... I just do not feel safe being alone out there without any safety net- if anyone has ideas please let me know- I'm dying to go camping!! But the other things- I do have a great safety net of finances. I'm afraid to use them. But, I also think it's important to visit those I love and foster those relationships that I miss so dearly. I'm dying to go to Colorado to see my ship nieces, big sister and brother. I've never been to the mid-west and this is such a great excuse. I'm dying to go to Seattle to see some great friends and experience the city. I'm DYING to go up to California to see family, but also explore Nappa Valley. I want to go to huge national parks and explore and have some fun. I want to go to Guinea when the ship is there to visit, but more-so to see my kids at Lazare's orphanage.
This week has been eye-opening to me. So many times I was stomping my feet in my head saying, “But I dont wanna!!!!” But, a friend was in need and I knew that that was to be my top priority. Forsake myself and my precious sleep(I love sleep a little more than is normal), forsake my fear of spending money, and be present. It has been a tough, but oh so rewarding week. Spending time with these dear friends, meeting their sweet baby, who I plan on spending hours and hours with over the next few weeks, and supporting them. I've been the supporter of families and kids in hospitals before, but never friends. It's such a different experience. One I needed to have, but not an easy one- especially when nobody expected it. Thankfully this sweet baby was born to a STRONG family, who will prevail despite the challenges. His prognosis is EXCELLENT and I can't wait to see them come out on top of this.
Last night I had a conversation with my friend, and the dad of this precious baby, that really got my wheels turning. So much so, I hardly wanted to go to sleep, because it had me thinking. The conversation went something like this: How much time to we spend as a society DISTRACTING ourselves from the things actually going on around the world? How many things pull us away from the pressing issues of our very own society, yet we are blinded by these THINGS that mean nothing in the grand scheme, but are fun. They're things that draw us in and suck every last ounce of energy we have left into them- books, movies, television, our phones. They blind us to the terrible things our own government is doing to us, let alone the atrocities occurring around the world that we could HELP PREVENT. Yet, we don't care, as long as we have the next Divergent series book, the next season of Parenthood uploaded to Netflix, movies we can rant and rave about, music that we find compelling or disgusting and express why, and our favorite shows at our fingertips.
We should instead be educating ourselves and putting our minds to good use. Sure entertainment is a great thing in small doses, but we COULD be reading books from the past that warn us about the future they saw that was rapidly approaching and going to destroy us. The books that warn us about the very things we are currently battling in our own country... With that, I've decided to go ahead and read some of these books. My friend gave me a good start of ideas, but please if you have a book that you think is important to the way we view our society, please send me the name. I want it and I want to read it... Here's the beginnings of my list...
- A Brave New World
- Animal Farm
- The Giver
- The Long Way Home
I need more- so PLEASE send me ideas!!!! Books that are non-fiction and about social justice issues that are well written are books I want to know about as well.
I literally felt like I might implode if I didn't write this out... with that, I'm now going to resist the urge to watch my tv show in bed and zone out... I'm gonna go work on my messy room... with my tv show in the background. I'm hoping that I can slowly wean myself off of these distractions and FOCUS on the things that truly matter. Instead of just surviving, I want to THRIVE. I've been thinking lately, “What legacy do I want to leave?” Now I'm turning it to you- what legacy do YOU want to leave?