Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The Cry of my heart

My greatest issue is one that I need grace and patience through. If you are not going to approach my rant with an open mind, stop reAding now.

I came home and felt completely alone. Then I invested in a few friends and all was well until my sweet friends were taken for various reasons-some by distance and some due to life circumstances... It was hard to come home only to say goodbye to my new friends. They are still here for me, but all have families to care for and I'm not a huge priority. Understood and I do not hold any of this against them. 

Suddenly the place that should have been my refuge has become my battleground. I'm talking about church. There was a time-a few weeks after I got home- that church was my favorite place to be. I would be there as much as possible- especially when my new friends were around. Now that life has pulled them away, church is a place I don't want to be. I feel insecure, judged, and like nobody cares where I am, where I've been, where I want to be, or what I've gone through. Several times people have said hurtful things to my face. Several times, people ask how I am, but as I begin expressing it, they smile, say 'okay' and walk away. Several times I have asked to spend time with several people, yet it has yet to happen.

I have given up. I would love to hide for the next few months in my room(ps my new room, roommates and house are fantastic:):):)). Just bear the next months and deal. I'm aware there are seasons of life we are called to be alone... I did a few of those seasons on the ship and looking back they were well worth the times I was surrounded. I wonder if I will look back and be thankful for this. I think it's hardest because I've tasted what it is like to be loved and surrounded here, but it's been snatched with none of us wanting it to but it did...

I have yet to share anything about Africa with my church, which is hard because they loved and supported me while I was gone... I cannot deny the prayers they covered me with and financial support they provided... But suddenly when I am stateside... Nobody cares. No warm welcome just a lot of 'oh! She's home!'  People said if I need anything, let them know... I don't need anything tangible but I need patience and someone to help me through this transition. Nobody is up for that it seems.

Sometimes I blame myself for all of this... Maybe I am doing something f wrong... Then I know that's a lie. I would love to blame the undeniable cliques that I am confronted with in the place I should feel safe in, but I know it is made of people who put up a front and make mistakes too... They are just good at hiding it. I have never 'belonged' to any group or clique... I'm glad but it's exhausting being an outsider seeing all of the Facebook posts about parties I will never be invited to, seeing pictures of people having fun. I should be happy for them that they have that love and support, but I rage with jealousy.

I am also having a hard time fitting in because I'm a single woman. There are very few young adults in my church... All people I hang out with are talking about is marriage and their kids. I am happy they have been blessed in these ways, but in the company of single women who wish more than anything to find 'the one' and have babies but it just is not happening yet because she is waiting for Gods timing and trying to be patient, this is a glaring shot through the heart... It hurts. It's not just annoying... It HURTS!!

I am tempted to leave the church I grew up in, but then how will change occur? Do I give up? Or fight? I wish I knew.

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