Georgie and Lessons Learned

Today was quite a day. Well, let's start from the beginning and I'll tell you what I mean...

I woke up after a TON of really terrible nightmares just really not wanting to have another day. I honestly can't remember anything much except for an epic ice cream feast, but I was never satisfied with it. Pretty sure I know what that part means... I miss ice cream. I avoided the mint chocolate chip though, which meant its wasn't from my favorite place in Tenerife;) I remember something about being chased and something about being responsible for a small child, but that's most of my dreams. Something last night really struck a chord with me- it wasn't good. As I sat thinking about it earlier I almost busted into tears. Something wasn't good or right in the dream. I'm a bit intuitive, so dreams can really either make my day or mess it up. Often, dreams are indicative of the way things are going with either me or a loved one. I woke up knowing something wasn't right, but that's not the way I wanted to start my Monday. I was out sick on Friday and I really just wanted to hit the ground running strong this morning, not thrown off. Instead of slumping around, I wound up just saying a little prayer. I honestly don't remember much about it- I was still 1/2 asleep, but I asked God to just be with me today. Not for a great day, not for this or this or this, just that he'd be with me.

I got up to work and normally I'm not too happy when I get there. I roll out of bed, pull myself together and get up there just in time to be 'on time'- sometimes unsuccessfully. Today I was meant to go to our weekly meeting, but my body just wasn't having it- it was telling me I was still exhausted, so I let myself sleep a little longer. I got up JUST in time today. I got up to work and found myself... tired, but happy. I've hit a wall lately where I just don't feel especially helpful. I've been having a hard time finding joy in my work, thus giving others a little bit of attitude. Sorry for anyone at the end of that- it wasn't personal. I've just been a mess. Between being sick and personal struggles, the past month has been a whirlwind. Today would've been no different, but it was...

Things just seemed better... I would say I can't explain it, but I think I can. God was with me. All day long. Things at work honestly...SUCKED... things were a mess from the weekend. I was still frustrated, but not really angry. Just sad that things haven't worked out right and frustrated, but not angry like normal. God helped me address issues to some people with more grace than normal- more patience and willingness to keep an even head. I just... honestly I just felt like God was really making today what it was. There was time during work that I could be a little silly with my co-worker researching potential Christmas presents for a friend, chatting it up with my wonderful day worker Habi and just enjoying reception, but also lots of work got done... it was refreshing. I left knowing I got things done but I enjoyed my day. JOY came to me:)

It didn't stop there. I felt led to do something tonight, that I won't put into detail cuz it's kinda a secret, but a friend was under a lot of pressure today and I felt the need to just go and pray for her for a while. I'm still not sure of the result, but I'm sure he was all over it. I had an idea of how I wanted that to go, but it turned into me praying for them instead of being there supporting them physically... I can't explain it, but I really did feel that's why I was there...took me about 10 minutes to realize it, but once I did, it was really cool:)

Then, I had dinner(yummy fish and chips), got my hair trimmed up real nice(it's getting so long!) and then I was on my way to my room around 7pm. I was thinking 'wow... a whole evening to myself.. what shall I do?' Yes- sometimes I speak in ye olde English to myself;) Before I even put my key in the lock, I knew what I was going to do. I turned around and went straight down to the ward. Now, 7pm isn't TECHNICALLY visiting hours, but I know that by then dinner is over. The main reason we are to come between 7:30-8:30 is because the patent's personal visitors come from 6:30-7:30, and it kinda busts into their time if you come early. But tonight, I popped down to see if it was okay. I went to A ward first where I met up with my sweet boy Yaya who was  cutting something up, a new kiddo who LOVES making paper chains- the ward was COVERED in them- definitely adds a certain flare to the space:), and my sweet baby Mamadou, who is the brother of Aicha who is a patient. I just love this little one. We've grown to love each other- he just lights up each time I come to hang out with him.  This is where things started coming to mind...

I was holding my sweet boy and just messing around playing with him when his mama, sister and some others on the ward just started talking rapid fire and laughing hysterically. The thought crossed my mind, "Are they talking about me?" Then I began to think about it... I have choices... I could storm out in assumption they are and let that be that.... nothing of course being solved as I have 0 clue what they were actually talking about, or I could just keep going on. It made me think of Jesus. He KNEW what people were saying, yet he loved the people SO much that he just kept on going and loving them despite what they said. Really in all honesty, what they were saying probably had NOTHING to do with me, but these thoughts creep in from time to time.

Then I went over to B ward. I saw my sweet George. George was in traction for weeks and weeks, meaning his legs needed to be suspended and pulled by weights for a certain number of hours a day to re-adjust his hips to the right rotation for him to have surgery. Last week I was told he was ready for surgery for Friday. He was in the ICU for a couple days- probably just to control his pain and keep him comfortable more than anything, so I wasn't allowed to see him. Yesterday I went to see him, but he was really upset. He wanted something, but I couldn't figure out what it was for a long time. Once I did, it was time for me to leave. I left hoping someone would get him his book shortly thereafter, but not knowing if he'd get it or fall asleep out of frustration first. Today, I walked in and a nurse said, "Is George your befriend-a-patient" and I said, "No... I just like to visit him from time to time". Then she said, "Well great- we're doing a craft- do you want to help him with his?" Here's where the next lesson began...

Georgie(as I affectionately call him... sometimes Georgie Porgie) was given a balloon to work on(the first smile I've seen of him since Thursday), as I worked on assembling the rest of the 'mobile'- made of popsicle sticks, string and pipe cleaners with balloons attached to the bottom. He tried and tried and tried to get the balloon inflated. He got it semi-inflated after a few extremely strained tries, which made me smile because it was so cute, but I offered help. He stubbornly shook his head 'no!' each time I offered to help and kept trying. I started cheering him on instead of resisting him. He'd get the balloon inflated, then try to find a way to close the opening to keep the air in, but each time he was unsuccessful. Eventually I took the balloon from him and he threw a FIT. I gave him a blue balloon, but he wanted his red one back... he did NOT want the blue... I'd already tied the red and he threw it as far as his little arms would let him and resisted the blue. I walked away for 1 minute to go get another red balloon in hopes it'd calm him, but he was on to the blue. I slipped the red into my pocket, realizing he'd moved on. But the blue was just too hard for him to blow up. After a few struggled tries, he looked up at me with his sweet little eyes and was begging me with them to blow it up. We don't speak the same language after all- our facial expressions are our language:) I kept saying that I couldn't blow up his blue one because he'd slobbered all over it, but I went to get another one. One was too hard for me to blow up(which wasn't part of the lesson- so omit it, but I grabbed a new blue one, he let me blow it up and we completed the mobile. His face lit up. I tried hanging it up and he freaked out and demanded he hold it instead of hang it up.... he was so happy when I surrounded him with the balloons and he was blowing the new red one up too. That's where I left him for the evening.

Now, this is what came to my mind as this was happening... I was thinking how much I'm like Georgie. How much I want to be in control of my own life. How much I want to be the one doing everything and controlling the result. Yeah, things don't always go great, but I try again and again until I get it. But the whole time, I have a loving Father looking at me saying, "Oh Michelle, just let me help you, sweetie! Come on.. okay.... keep trying.. YOU CAN DO IT! COME ON MICHELLE!! Oh.. and it didn't happen again... come on.. let me help..." But, I'm too stubborn. He's been working on this great thing for me that I'm going to LOVE in the end, but all I can focus on is this little bit- the balloon-  that I can't seem to get right. If I would just ask Him for some help, he wouldn't do it FOR me, but he'd show me how to do it- he'd get me through it and in the end he'd give me something I just love.

My Georgie
Photo Cred. to Deb Louden

Every time I mess up, I get frustrated and throw a fit. Every time I lose something that I thought was going to be a part of my life, I lose it- so upset as to why it's not anymore- why something I thought was going to be instrumental is gone. Why relationships I'd formed are suddenly dissolving, why lessons I'd thought I'd learned are re-surfacing, why I feel like I'm still an infant but by the world's standards I should be walking without much help by now.. Things I'd hoped disappear.

The verse 'Hope deferred makes the heart sick' has been on my heart a lot lately... so many hopes I've had over the last few months have just disappeared into nothingness- most of the time without anyone even knowing they existed but me. This is true that it does make the heart sick, but we're not in this alone. Every time I feel overwhelmed and just at odds, I remember I have someone that's there for me even when every single one of my 'people' let me down. I see friends of mine going through serious trials and I think, "wow... how do you even get up in the morning without knowing that someones got your back". And yes- even while watching my TV shows, I notice how empty people's lives are and I think... man...if only you looked deeper and not to each other, but to God who is the only one who will never let you down... Isn't that great? I love it:) It's what makes a terrible day worth seeing through because no matter what has happened, God is still there. Jesus still wraps his arms around me and comforts me. I am too stubborn to accept it sometimes, but he's ALWAYS there... Thank God.

My Support Video

Check out my support video!:) It was made for my church, but goes out to all of you :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_EQeftUncc&fb_source=message

To donate go here: http://mercyships-us.donorpages.com/crewmates/cristionm/

The Little Things...

My mom called the other night and we were chatting about Jordan's school. She then shared this story, which totally made my day. Kids say things that they don't realize can really impact others, but boy do they...

My mom was with Jordan at Back to School night. He's in KINDERGARTEN now- can you believe it?!!?!?  She went over to his desk and said, "Oh, Jordan, that drawing is BEAUTIFUL! I can't wait to hang it up in the house". He looks up at my mom and says ,"No, Nana, we're going to sent that to Shell in the mail!!"

Is that not the sweetest thing EVER? He's 5 and thought of sending something to me, which I know he knows I LOVEEE:)

The Best. Brings a smile to my face even when I'm sick:)

Stop... movie time....

I thought while I'm laid up I might as well try to offer you guys a bit of a fun post.

For those wondering- I came down with some pretty severe headaches starting about 10 days ago, with them getting markedly worse around 1 week ago and were on and off bad until Monday, when it just got really bad. I woke up thinking I wasn't feeling great because it was, well, Monday... I hate mornings and I hate Mondays especially when I have to be up in the morning...:) But this Monday, I not only was exhausted after a very restful weekend, but had a splitting headache paired with nausea and stomach pain... OH and I was supposed to start training a new receptionist.... bad timing, right?

I've been forced into bed rest with some pretty strong drugs, which still havent gotten rid of the pain, unfortunately, and the only thing my body really allows me to do is watch things on my laptop. A few times, I haven't even been able to do that, but for the last couple days I've been able to. I thought I'd be back to work by now, but each time I try to think about going back, my body tells me otherwise... so... I thought I'd tell you about some of the fun movies I've watched:)

First(once I gave up on watching Grey's 24/7- a night the internet was really slow), I watched THE GOONIES!! I've only seen it twice before but I LOOVEE the Goonies! SO Classic. I do, however, have a problem with the way it's advertised. Most would see the cover and rating and say, "wow.. what looks like a great KIDS film.." Oh boy could it be any more misleading.... the language alone could make that movie way outta line for any kid, but also the innuendos and the violence... dannng is it not appropriate. It's a scary movie for kids and I don't think kids need to hear all the language- we all know how kids love to latch on to new and strange words... hm. It's a really fun adventure movie though.:)

The next day, I watched The Spiderwick Chronicles. Super fun movie!!! I mean... anything with Mary Louise Parker is pretty much top notch in my book- she's one of my favorite actresses- but this movie really captures the imagination. It's about a mom who takes her kids to a home one of her family members left to her. One of the kids discovers a book that tells all about the different creatures that live in the woods, but by discovering the book, he unleashes a whole realm of fairies  both good and evil. The evil are after the book and will stop at nothign to get it. I guess for kids it might be a bit scary- with goblins and such, but I had a lot of fun watching it! :)  I didn't see anything else wrong with the movie other than the scary parts and some talk of the parents splitting because of some of the father's poor choices.

Then, I started Meet the Robinsons. I thought the beginning was super cute and fun, but once you meet the family- the movie lost me and I turned it off... WAYY too confusing for me...

Hulu started working again(WE HAVE HULU THIS YEAR!!!!) So I got sucked back into the world of Grey's. Now, some of you might wonder what I think is so great about Grey's. In the beginning, Grey's was okay, but not great-lots of very superficial and surface-level characters, who I hope woudn't exist in real life. The thing I liked in the beginning were the individual plots- the patients mostly. They were always pretty great in my book- interesting and kept you on the edge of your seat.... or kept the tears flowing. As the seasons have gone on, however, I've found the creators have become pure masterminds. They've made these characters very real and very 3 dimensional. They've made lives for them and given them sheer depth(most of the time). You love to see how they react to this situation or that and how they cope with this kind of patient or this life problem, who they fall in love with, etc. Defiantly not all realistic, but it's fun. They all kinda become family to you after a while... you grow to love them. With that being said, a peeve I have of the creator is that they love to bring in new characters and make you fall in love with them, then they kill them off... REALLY?!?!? That's so not real life. Not that I want them to kill any of my beloved main characters, which they've done enough already, but... just saying.. really?

Then tonight, I was able to watch 'We Bought A Zoo'. I had started watching it a while back with some of my kiddos, but we didn't get to finish it, let alone get 30 minutes into it:) Now, it's yet another movie that I'm not sure is really a kid movie- they advertise it as such, but its' got quite a lot of language and innuendo... I guess it depends on who the kid is and how much they understand... but it is a FANTASTIC movie... like.. truly well done. The last scene caught me off guard and made me BAWL... anyone else? Beware- it gets you. I felt a little bit crazy but held onto hope that i"m not the only one who bawled:)

So.. that's how I've been spending my sick days... hoping to move into the book realm soon as the headaches hopefully taper off. I've been given off until Monday. It's a ship holiday, so I would've had Friday off anyway, but I think all of this is a sign to take it easy and to let my body heal slowly but surely. Saturday I may try to get to the orphanage that I had the joy of going to last week- so amazing- probably 15 little ones- mostly under the age of 4 and just so wonderful and full of life. 1 is being adopted by a family in the states!!  A wonderful joy that I hope I get to experience for weeks and weeks to come:) 

A Window Inside

I thought I'd let you have a glimpse of what things have been going on in my mind lately- a window into my life, if you will...

The other day, as I was settling into bed, I wrote a journal entry that went something like this...

"I am also all kinda of homesick. I miss cooking, I miss baking, I miss DRIVING, I miss going out with friends, I miss cuddling up with JO, I miss my living room, I miss choices, I miss my friends, I miss having a paycheck, I miss my Sundays, I miss having jam sessions, I miss having somewhere to walk/run, I miss big pools, I miss ellipticals, I miss seeing shows(theatre), I miss eating healthy things that actually taste good, I miss unchlorinated water, I miss netflix... really it's all the little things I miss about being home... all material things for the most part...."

I thought up some more today..

I miss fall, I miss unchlorinated water of 2 kinds- I'm tired of feeling like I'm drinking and bathing in pool water, I miss singing at the top of my lungs in the car, I miss having a comfortable place to read, I  miss playing my music as loud as I want, I miss watching a movie with no chance of being interrupted by another person, and alarm, or a power outage.

But, at the end of the day today, I'm finding myself thinking, "I love my life". I thought of my journal entry from just days ago, and the different things I've missed recently and thought, "I wouldn't trade these moments for the world. The snuggles, the smiles, the hugs, the laughs, the funny faces, the shrieks of joy, those momentary smiles through tears, those drugged-up crazy moments with those beautiful patients. Speaking Krio again, thinking like a 4 year old, telling someone I don't think their cleft was the fault of a curse that was put on their mother and telling them not to care what other people say about her face, the moment of hope in my soul praying that she will hold on to my words- that she's beautiful and that God had a reason when he made her like this, giving a mama a squeeze of the hand in hopes she'll smile for a moment today, snuggling a 2 month old and praying he has hope for an amazing life, hoping these sweet faces will have a chance once they leave- that they will have a bright future and use their experience to see God- the TRUE God, the LIVING God, not the God their society has told them is the truth. I wouldn't trade my incredible friends, who God has given me for this season who have walked me through some seriously dark times, whether they realized it or not, being scared all through the day by my  favorite 7 year old, being called 'auntie' or 'drama mama' by my kids, who are sincerely disappointed that I may not be on board for Mother's day so they can give me presents next year, the students who make me CRAZY but who also make me laugh and give me 1 time of day that I look forward to and truly enjoy- the moment I get to teach them about a passion of mine and hope they catch a spark of how amazing acting can be for anyone, enjoying evenings watching movies with friends, Zumba with over 30 people on a ship, finding the little pleasures we DO have and loving every moment of them(cinnamon sugar in coffee- EPIC idea), being excited because it's Crepe Monday or Waffle Friday, seeing people through problems big and small at work, being USED for something far bigger than myself."

 Being with the patients reminds me every time why I'm here. When I leave them, I feel full of love and feel ready to take on the world. They are the reason God brought me here- if I forget that, I'm doomed to a world of self-pity and resentment toward being here at all. Those amazing, strong, courageous patients are why we're all here- to give them a chance at life and hope for an incredible future.

Much of me feels that my time on the Africa Mercy is coming to a close. This can be either a death sentence or a huge blessing. It can be 'oh my gosh I have 8 months left... WHHY.. I want to go home' or it can be "wow, I've got only 8 more months to soak up every amazing bit of what I"m a part of as I can. I know for a fact God is seriously stretching and teaching me, which can be really hard at times- especially in a place where you can't ever be alone to pray, cry, scream- whatever you need to do to get it all out. But the little things I've already learned are HUGE leaps from where I was and I'm really looking forward to what God's got up his sleeve for me. He's really shown me that without him- I'm nothing. I am weak, insecure, insignificant, but with Him, I am loved, important, and can truly make a difference. It's so easy to say "Woe is me, Woe is me" but really I should be saying, "Who am I that God has chosen me to be on this INCREDIBLE adventure of a life and has given me such amazing gifts all around to top it all off- true gems of friendship all around" Thank you, God. Let's make the next 7-8 months INCREDIBLE. 

Check it out

For those following, I've updated my fundraising site with a story and all. Check it out!:)
http://mercyships-us.donorpages.com/crewmates/cristionm/

You Know Me

I wanted to post, but have so much I want to say. So, I thought I'd keep it brief and simple tonight. This song has been my theme the last few weeks. It's hit deep down in the depths of my struggles as of lately, which have been extensive, grueling, and extremely difficult. But, despite it all, my God is with me every step of the way and at the end, I will come out a much stronger and more Christ-like woman. Thank God for that.


I first heard this song while sitting on deck during the sail, grappling with God about a bunch of things, and this was his song- just for me.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcoKuwtlSgI
You Know Me
By Bethel  Featuring Stephanie Frizzel
You have been
And You will be
You have seen
And You will see

You know when I rise and when I fall
When I come or go, You see it all
You hung the stars and You move the sea,
And still You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

You have been
And You will be
And You have seen
And You will see

You know when I rise and when I fall
When I come or go, You see it all
You hung the stars and You move the sea,
And still You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

And nothing is hidden from Your sight
Wherever I go, You find me
And You know every detail of my life
And You are God and You don't miss a thing

And nothing is hidden from Your sight
Wherever I go, You find me
And You know every detail of my life
And You are God and You don't miss a thing