Monday, September 24, 2012

A Window Inside

I thought I'd let you have a glimpse of what things have been going on in my mind lately- a window into my life, if you will...

The other day, as I was settling into bed, I wrote a journal entry that went something like this...

"I am also all kinda of homesick. I miss cooking, I miss baking, I miss DRIVING, I miss going out with friends, I miss cuddling up with JO, I miss my living room, I miss choices, I miss my friends, I miss having a paycheck, I miss my Sundays, I miss having jam sessions, I miss having somewhere to walk/run, I miss big pools, I miss ellipticals, I miss seeing shows(theatre), I miss eating healthy things that actually taste good, I miss unchlorinated water, I miss netflix... really it's all the little things I miss about being home... all material things for the most part...."

I thought up some more today..

I miss fall, I miss unchlorinated water of 2 kinds- I'm tired of feeling like I'm drinking and bathing in pool water, I miss singing at the top of my lungs in the car, I miss having a comfortable place to read, I  miss playing my music as loud as I want, I miss watching a movie with no chance of being interrupted by another person, and alarm, or a power outage.

But, at the end of the day today, I'm finding myself thinking, "I love my life". I thought of my journal entry from just days ago, and the different things I've missed recently and thought, "I wouldn't trade these moments for the world. The snuggles, the smiles, the hugs, the laughs, the funny faces, the shrieks of joy, those momentary smiles through tears, those drugged-up crazy moments with those beautiful patients. Speaking Krio again, thinking like a 4 year old, telling someone I don't think their cleft was the fault of a curse that was put on their mother and telling them not to care what other people say about her face, the moment of hope in my soul praying that she will hold on to my words- that she's beautiful and that God had a reason when he made her like this, giving a mama a squeeze of the hand in hopes she'll smile for a moment today, snuggling a 2 month old and praying he has hope for an amazing life, hoping these sweet faces will have a chance once they leave- that they will have a bright future and use their experience to see God- the TRUE God, the LIVING God, not the God their society has told them is the truth. I wouldn't trade my incredible friends, who God has given me for this season who have walked me through some seriously dark times, whether they realized it or not, being scared all through the day by my  favorite 7 year old, being called 'auntie' or 'drama mama' by my kids, who are sincerely disappointed that I may not be on board for Mother's day so they can give me presents next year, the students who make me CRAZY but who also make me laugh and give me 1 time of day that I look forward to and truly enjoy- the moment I get to teach them about a passion of mine and hope they catch a spark of how amazing acting can be for anyone, enjoying evenings watching movies with friends, Zumba with over 30 people on a ship, finding the little pleasures we DO have and loving every moment of them(cinnamon sugar in coffee- EPIC idea), being excited because it's Crepe Monday or Waffle Friday, seeing people through problems big and small at work, being USED for something far bigger than myself."

 Being with the patients reminds me every time why I'm here. When I leave them, I feel full of love and feel ready to take on the world. They are the reason God brought me here- if I forget that, I'm doomed to a world of self-pity and resentment toward being here at all. Those amazing, strong, courageous patients are why we're all here- to give them a chance at life and hope for an incredible future.

Much of me feels that my time on the Africa Mercy is coming to a close. This can be either a death sentence or a huge blessing. It can be 'oh my gosh I have 8 months left... WHHY.. I want to go home' or it can be "wow, I've got only 8 more months to soak up every amazing bit of what I"m a part of as I can. I know for a fact God is seriously stretching and teaching me, which can be really hard at times- especially in a place where you can't ever be alone to pray, cry, scream- whatever you need to do to get it all out. But the little things I've already learned are HUGE leaps from where I was and I'm really looking forward to what God's got up his sleeve for me. He's really shown me that without him- I'm nothing. I am weak, insecure, insignificant, but with Him, I am loved, important, and can truly make a difference. It's so easy to say "Woe is me, Woe is me" but really I should be saying, "Who am I that God has chosen me to be on this INCREDIBLE adventure of a life and has given me such amazing gifts all around to top it all off- true gems of friendship all around" Thank you, God. Let's make the next 7-8 months INCREDIBLE. 

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