A Renewed Passion

Wow! I don't think I realized how fast time has flown... sorry to my readers out there... it's been a wild few weeks;) There's a lot going on around here.

First order of business... how COOOOOOL is it that I'm posting this blog from the middle of the Atlantic Ocean?!?! Isn't technology INCREDIBLE?!?!?!?!:) Sailing has been good- calmer today, which I'm thankful for... but that's for another post;)

The last few weeks have included a temporary job change, much debate about my future, growing closer with some friends, drifting apart from some, re-connecting with one of my passions which has been on the backburner, saying goodbye to Togo- to the people, to the country, to all of the amazing experiences that were had, moved into a family cabin.. tons has happened... This could get quite long, so I"m going to make it a series of posts... starting with...

Something that has taken me by surprise is my sudden kindling of a flame that's been gone for a while. Since I moved into a family cabin, by default I inherited a guitar. Now, let me rewind a moment... I was extremely blessed to be given the opportunity to cabin sit for a family I'm close with. This means I went from having a small bunk to myself to having a living room, kitchenette, 2 bedrooms, a massive bed, a TV, a refrigerator, and the works... I feel like I"m home... it's INCREDIBLE.. Hoping I won't be miserable when I go back to the cave, but I SO needed this!!  THANK YOU BERGMAN FAMILY!!:)

 Anyway... yes- the guitar.... man... A few weeks before I moved into the cabin, I started fiddling with a guitar that was in the International Lounge, but really wanted something to use often. Since I moved in, I think there was only 1 day where I wasn't playing guitar, and I'm up to about 2 hours daily of guitar... I'm to the point where I have to start disciplining myself to get other work done before I can touch the guitar... never works.. but I try;) I just love it... there's something so much more powerful to me when I"m playing guitar... Piano and I are buddies, but I feel like I can REALLLLY dig deep when I"m playing guitar- and I LOVE singing while playing... on piano I have a hard time multi-tasking, unless it's a song I wrote.. then it's fine:)

I've been given a few opportnities to flex my guitar muscles and was fortunate enough to be given the opportunity to play this morning for the community meeting- I played 2 songs with this awesome woman Amy, who was on keys and vocals with me:) It was fierce and just felt so great to use my talents for more than just my sanity. One day, I told my kids I needed a nap really bad... later I saw one of my girls, and she said 'Miss Michelle... did you get a nap?' and I said... "nope... played guitar and I feel GREAT!!' :)

 I'm in love... truly... I'm seriously contemplating buying a guitar while we're in Tenerife, but... not sure if my pocket can handle that right now... we'll see what happens I suppose. It's be great if I could have one of my own:) I miss my little harmony I left at home... though here I"m in need of something that I can plug in... *sigh*... I'll have this one until August 3rd at least:)

So, stay tuned for posts throughout the week.. I'm trying to post something new every few days until I catch you all up;) 

CHOPPED

This is a long, though entertaining one... go get a coffee and a snack...;)

Some of you may have seen on facebook that I participated in the Chopped competition on board, so I thought I'd fill you in on all of the happenings of that evening;)

Wednesday night, we put on a full-blown chopped competition.... well.. mostly:) You know the tv show? 5 Chefs, 1 appetizer, 1 entree, 1 dessert with eliminations in between each round, 1 basket with 4 secret ingredients per round.... ring any bells?... well.. I am a HUUUUGEEEE fan of this show... whenever it was on TV and I would attempt passing the channel, I'd always end up sitting there longer than planned and watch the full episode- and if it was back to back chopped episodes, I was DOOMED... the only shows that do this to me are Chopped, Iron Chef America, and my FAVORITE- Cupcake Wars.... any other show I can almost always pass up...:) BIG.FAN. It honestly felt like a dream come true that I was even considered to be a contestant...

Our version was a little bit different... we had only 2 rounds- 1 entree and 1 dessert round and after the first round, THREE contestants would be chopped... THREE!!! So, the heat was on- entrees have never been my forte... I'm not known to be a cook- I'm a known baker... i LOVE my recipes, I ALWAYS triple, quadrupral check everything before I mix and I'm not a fan of straying from recipes- why mess with what is already great, right? So, when I was told 'no recipes'... I almost had a panic attack... but... game on.

I was doubting myself up to the minute I walked into the room with the contestants... then I said 'You have a choice, Michelle, be confident and go for it, or cower down and fail...' ... I decided to just go at this full-heartedly and just see where it lead...I studied my tail off in the 2 days leading up to the competition- sat with recipes, memorizing them, wrote down ones worth remembering- sauces, marinades, cupcakes, cookies, puddings, everything.. right before the show, I layed down- put myself in time-out if you will, and read through my recipes over and over again until I was sure they were deep down in there. Then, it was time...

Now, let's lay out the contestants for a moment... we had Ben Goble- galley cook, Ben Digmann- Lab Tech, Bob Russell- Dentist, Josh Callow- Photographer, and Me- receptionist... The fact that I was the only woman reallyyyy fueled my fire to beat these guys.. the cooking industry is still surprisingly male dominant, and I wasn't about to get out in the first round.. I needed to represent all of those amazing female chefs out there... it was a heavy weight to bear, but boy did it help me fight hard for this.

I headed up to meet everyone with my measuring cups, my sweet African apron, my piping tips, and my notebook(which I didn't end up using.. definately strayed from my usual self on this evening..). We watched the introduction to a real episode of chopped, the rules were explained, then we filmed a short 'how are you feeling' video. It's funny, because they asked me 'how are you feeling? nervous? excited? Anxious? Up until this point, I was so nervous it was almost crippling, but at this point, my game face was on and I said 'I'M READY TO BEAT THESE GUYS!!!!!' Then they asked who I thought my toughest competitor was... I said Josh Callow- the man who made stuffed peppers out of triscuits a few weeks ago- and they were aweosme. Later, I asked Josh what he said, and he said "I think the moment we saw you with those measuring cups, we realized how prepared you were, so we all said you were our toughest competitor..." turns out they were right:)

After this, we went down to be interviewed in front of the crowd, where the baskets for round 1 were revealed. Round 1- the entree round secret ingredients were: walnuts, chicken breast, cinnamon bark, and African yam... The minute I saw that HUGE yam I let out an "OHHH NOOO!!!!" Not the best technique to show you're confident, but it's one thing I didn't think we'd get. It came to mind in preparation, but never really though we'd go there... I thought maybe plantain or watermelon, but not african yam..

I took off running down the hall (sorry Captain!) the minute they started counting down. 45 minutes to cook an entree... doable but tight..The first thing I did was got oil on the stove. I thought I'd make a yam french fry, which I'd had before and thought was yummy. I got going and realized the chicken would take the longest. So, after working on the fries, I abandoned that whole thing to get the chicken going. If there's one thing I've learned about chopped, it's that people who lose do so because of their lack of time managment.. and I wasn't going to be a victim to poor time managment..  from the second they said we'd do walnuts, I had the idea to do a walnut crusted chicken. So, I threw the walnuts into the food processor(THANK GOODNESS they gave us a food processor- one of my greatest fears was having to finely chop anything because it'd take foreverr!), mixed the walnuts together with some basil, oregano, salt, pepper, cayanne(my judges like spice so I played off of that a bit.. plus walnuts and heat work well together), and I grated some of the cinnamon bark into the mixture... well a lot of it really because I wanted the flavor to come out. I breaded the chicken with this after I dunked it in egg and pan fried it. Good choice minus the part where it MIGHT've overcooked a tad.. better than raw chicken right?

Once I got the chicken in, I realized fries didn't really work with this meal so much, so I got a pan going and decided to attempt latkes. I looked up a recipe during my preparation the day before in case we got potato- I KNEW I didn't want to serve mashed potatoes- that's WAY too overdone, so I found latkes... I decided it was worth a try.. the judges were judging on creativity afterall, right? I'd rather lose because I got too creative than lose with something that was good but boring. So, I got going on that. For the record, African yams are MASSIVE!!! I'd say a bit bigger than my forearm and hand and much thicker... HUGE. I grated the yam, mixed with some flour and egg and got going on it. I tried the first one to be sure it tasted okay.;.. it was good, but it had a BITTER aftertaste. So, I decided to mix onion and some of the walnut and spice mixture in hoping that some of the tones would work well in the yam.

I had everything ready to go and staying warm in the oven when I was told we had 10 mintues left... 10 minutes... 10 MINUTES?!?! You gotta be kidding me!! That's like 10 years in chef time... so I was thinking.. 10 minutes is a lonng time- I can pull something else out for sure! So, I grabbed the red wine box and got to playing around... I'd never made a red wine sauce in my life, but I'd never made anything on this plate in my life, so I might as well try... So I put the red wine in a saucepan with some onion, garlic, a few large pieces of cinnamon bark... it got cooking, but wasn't thickening fast enough for comfort, so I added cornstarch. Then more cornstarch.. then some more.:) I tasted it and it was SOUR, so I added honey..... BAM! We were there. In the time I waited, I also sauteed some onions because that'd go well with everything on the plate. With 4 minutes to go, I pulled out the chicken and latkes, picked my favorites and plated them. The chicken got small small soggy on the bottom- I should've put it on a paper towel, but I think it was fine... I strained the red wine sauce so it was nice and smooth, plated everything and bam! Done with 2 minutes to spare.

We took them down to be tasted by the judges. I noticed a WHOLE lot of yam mash- glad I didn't go that route, but some of the platings were GEORGOUS!! I was suddenly SUPER nervous...I realized that though I am a semi-trained cook, these guys were GOOD!

The judges got going. Oh- by the way, the judges were: Ken Hatfield- our food services manager- trained at Le Courdon Bleu, Rachel Foster- my previous team leader in the galley- also trained at Le Courdon Bleu, and Captain Jon Fadely- trained by his mom and grandma(which is where I first learned too, so we had a bond):) They liked my dish with a few qualms. They didn't like my plating. It was cluttered... but... if you know me... that's who I am haha... cluttered but pretty in spite of chaos... right? ;) It's the way I like my food to look.. but def not professional:) Otherwise they loved the idea of the latkes, they said they could taste each secret ingredient very well, LOVED the red wine sauce(yayyy), and overall liked it. Trouble was, they also liked everyone elses. Each dish had 1 or 2 things they didn't like, but overall everyone rocked it... there were 2 I was especially concerned about becuase they recieved great comments about their plating, the flavors, the taste, etc.. I got reallllly nervous again...

The wait between the judges finishing the tasting and the announcement was EXCRUCIATING... I was fine for the first few minutes, then I started freaking out... how would I react if I didn't get this- I realllly wanted this- how would I react if I did... what things could I make for this round... Then they announced... the 2 to go to the next round aree...... "Ben Goble.... anndd... The ONLY lady in our lineup... MICHELLE!!" I FREAKED OUT... ALL i wanted out of this was to make it to the dessert round... I DID IT!  I tried to contain my excitement, but it didn't work. I was especially beaming at the friends who were there who knew I wanted this so badly and knew how much I was freaking out and how hard I'd worked beforehand.

Then we were told the ingredients for the dessert round.... Pumpkin, Molasses, Lemon Juice, and Hazelnuts. When I saw pumpkin I let out a loud "YESSSSS!!!". We americans know our pumpkin... annnd molasses for that matter. I was up against a South African... I knew I had the upperhand in this not only becuase of my experience, but boy were those ingredients sooo american. When we realized there was only one basket, he looked at me and said 'Do you want me to carry that, or..' I looked at the basket, realizing it was heavy... and I thought for a second... and then grabbed it and RAN up the steps as fast as I could back to the kitchen... haha.

30 minutes to make a dessert....INSANITY....
I got up the kitchen and was a bit thrown off. Now, I know we didn't do the dishes, so I don't know why I expected the dishes to be gone, but they were still there- right where I left them... I was kicking myself for not cleaning up at the end of the last round where I had some spare time.. it took me some time to gain my footing. I stood there for a minute... blank. Not sure what to do. Ben was a tough competitor. I had no idea where his baking skills layed, but I knew he was  good cook for sure.. then I realized it was just the 2 of us... all of the attention was on us now... too much attention for my comfort...At one point, I remember John, the host of the event, looking at me and saying "So, how are you feeling? Do you know what you're doing." I looked at him, and then the camera and I said... "Good and yes.." then kept going... a second later I was like 'OHHH you wanted to know what I'm doing!!! It was disorienting, but thankfully one of the judges, Ken, stepped in and helped wash dishes for me...everything I needed was either dirty or missing..

I decided to make a pumpkin cookie with a molasses buttercream, unsure of how to incorperate the lemon juice and hazelnuts. the FIRST thing I did, though, was get those hazelnuts in the oven to toast a bit...good choice for sure. I  felt like a chicken with its head cut off, but I stood there for a moment, gained composure, and I was off...

Now, for those of you who watch these kinds of shows, there are types of competitors. The ones who are super arrogant, the ones who are always waiting to the last moment, the ones who are wayy too slow for their own good, the calm ones, the ones who run around like maniacs, but get the job done... I don't think all of these were represented in our group, but I think most of them were hit by one of us... Now..1 guess which one I was... now, brace yourselves- this actually really surprised me.. I had 0 idea until the heat was on...I...am... a...runner.... GASSSSPP!!! I never knew!! Truly!! I was a MANIAC!!! A sweaty, crazed chef, but boy did I get things done..had it not been for my mania, I don't think I would've gotten as much done...:) I remember hearing Captain Jon say 'She's just so intense and everything has such urgency.. it seems to work.." hah:)

I got going and tried to remember the recipe I'd memorized so well earlier in the day- the one for tollhouse chocolate chip cookies. Now, I remembered most of it, but was so crazy with trying to find the kitchen aide attachments(I had to use a stinkin whip for cookies... not ideal... great for the buttercream, but not for the cookies...) that things slipped... for example, the eggs... I put 1 cookie in to test, and not a minute after I got it in did I remember the eggs... *sigh*... I got them in though. I also remembered much later that I was supposed to put brown sugar in... but honestly- it's better... the pumpkin was super sweet as was... As I was tasting the cookie dough...yes..I'm a dough eater...I taste everything I make before I cook it..I realized it was missing something... so I added some of the lemon juice and a handfull of hazelnuts. PERFECT!! Soooo good!  Got those in the oven then on to the buttercream...

Butter, confectioners sugar, molasses... yum... but SWEEEET... I neeeeeded to find a way to cut into the sweetness. I knew for a fact that at least 1 judge isn't really into sweeeet things... Lemon juice! Yes! Perfect!! I attempted to add some cayanne pepper as well, but unfortunately it didn't come through... it would've been reallly good though... if I make this again, which i fully intend to try, I will definately put more cayanne in. Now, this round was chock full of mistakes, but thankfully nothing that wasn't redeemable. For example, I didn't make sure the bowl was secured before putting it on full whip and walking away... now, for the record, this bowl is super tempermental as is, so it would've come loose either way... so this bowl goes crazzzzzzy spinning all around almost spilling everything all over the place... certainly got the attnention of everyone in the room.... the Captain looked at me and said... "Are you okay?" haha... 'yes... I'm fine.. and thankfully the cookies are as well.."  I said:)

The biggest challenge for this round was that time was not on my side. 1/2 way through this round, I looked at Ken and said, "You do realize how INSANE and IMPOSSIBLE it is to bake in 30 minutes, right??" So he looked at me and said, "Yeah.. that's why I just extended it by 7 minutes." :) These cookies were big.. they needed to be because I was basically planning to make a cookie sandwich out of them.. no one wants a small little dinky dessert, right? They did NOT want to cooperate. Honestly, they were a bit more cakey than I'd planned, which was fine, but they didn't want to cook through... I had no choice but to pull 2 off and throw them in the freezer hopign they'd cool enough for me to get it on a plate with some buttercream, not melt the cream and somehow be cooked through... I got them on, piped the buttercream- it was the perfect consistancy... laid another cookie sideways so it looked nice, piped a little cream on the plate, sprinkled some hazelnuts on top of the cream that was on the cookie... but it was too... tan.. I didn't like the color.... So.. I went MICHELLE on it.. I grabbed a knife, dipped it into molasses and pretty much splattered/ swirled the plate with molasses.... such classic Michelle, it's not even funny- the queen of tye dye/ splattered anything.. I was happy with it.

As we walked the plates down, I looked at the judges and said "Can we PLEASE do mine first so you get it before it melts?' They listened. As we walked down, there were lots of 'oohs and ahhs' to both of our plates. I looked at Ben's dish, where a dessert laid so nicely in a square shape- it looked SHARP... I guess it just depended on what the judges declared dessert... to me it's something big and mostly heavy and just decadent, but to some, it's something simple and clean, yet delicious.... they had both in front of them. I got realllly nervous. As we walked down, Ben said "you'll have to show me how you got those cookies out in 20 minutes!"

I honestly didn't know which way it'd go, but I was really happy with my dessert- that's all that mattered to me- that it was something I liked and would eat... if the judges disagreed, that's fine...I did something I liked and that was all. The MC had us explain what we did, so I told them what I made... I shouldn'tve said there was cayanne though because then they were waiting for it... the hit never came... again- I'll do it again sometime and make it bang. They said they really liked the idea- they wished the cookies were cooked a little more, they loved the buttercream, wished they could taste the pepper. Now here is where the judges were divided... Captain Jon loved the design I made with the molasses- the splatter, if you will... the other 2... hated it. Later I asked Ken and he said he actually liked it but it wasn't professional and I went a little overboard.. but.. again.. I liked it a lot:) If it was my restaurant- it'd stay;)

At this point- I honestly didn't know what would happen... Ben pulled out a STRONG dish in the first round.. mine was good, but his was better. This was an overall competition- he beat me on the first round.. now the question is, whose dessert was better... the judges explained before they presented that the person they picked was one that used the ingredients as the main focus of the dishes, not something else that was found in the pantry and that was the main way they decided.... the winner was...drumroll pleasee........
MEEE!! Haha.. I don't want this to sound self centered- believe me- these guys were fierce competitors... but I only have my side of the story to tell- i didn't really pay any attention to the rest of the goings on of the evening;)

Anyway.. I won a $10 gift card and a dinner out on the town... exciting!!

Now, I need to make everything again so I can actually taste the entree... I didn't ever taste the final product...


And that is the story of how I won Chopped in Africa...;)

<3 M

Easing Back In..

I wrote this a week ago,but forgot to post it... enjoy:)

After losing Chantal, I pushed back a little bit.... I didn't realize it until maybe 2 or 3 days ago- or maybe I just didn't want to admit it fully, for fear that'd mean I'm not done grieving. I cut myself off from the ward when we lost her. I stopped going all together. The last night I was down there was the night she passed away- I didn't know yet and realized that all of the patients I had gotten to know were gone... my reasons for going down were few and quite honestly I didn't have the emotional energy to put myself through that again so soon...

Last night, I got back to my room at about 8:40 and said... " I need to get downstairs and see some patients." Not sure what sparked this change of heart. I think it had a lot to do with going to the HOPE center(Our housing for patients who live far away pre- and post-op.) last week, where I met the sweetest little baby boy who had a cleft lip and palate... I realized once he gets here he'll have less than a week on board- I wanted to be sure to see him. I got down there and didn't see him, but figured he's probably not ready for surgery yet. He's a part of the feeding program, which strives to get the babies feeding effectively and gaining weight pre-op so that they are healthy and fit for surgery. He looked to be about 1.5 months old, but odds are he is probably closer to 7 or 8 months...

I got down there and met the sweetest little baby boy- he has a bilateral incomplete cleft lip, meaning he has a cleft on both sides of his lip- not just one- and it doesn't go all the way up to the nose. I had a complete unilateral cleft lip and palate.. basically opposite of this little guy;) At first, he didn't like being away from his grandmom, which I thought was his mama until I looked around.. he would let out a little shriek every now and then telling me he wasn't sure about me, but I got him settled quickly.. we wandered over and I saw a little guy, then I heard my Togolese name being yelled over and over... "Akouvi", except this mama thinks it's funny to call me "Akougon", which means "Born on Wednesday and big"... its supposed to be a compliment... I look over and see a very familiar face. Edom and his mama- Hapi- were on the ward at the beginning of the field service when I was a little more diligent in getting down there.

This guy had a facial tumor that took over 1/2 of his face. I didn't realize he'd be back in, but should've assumed... he looked awesome... I didn't even recognize him, but he joyfully kept yelling "AKOUGON, AKOUGON!!" :) He was running around like a crazy man, which is funny and just extremely exciting for me, as he was a guy who was very shy and bedridden on his last visit to the ward... :) Truly awesome seeing a new life for this little guy. He'll always be 'different', but man will he have an amazing story of how God watched over him, and his amazing strong mom, who I named 'Trouble":)

I left him and rocked this little sweet one to sleep. I explained to his grandmother and mom that I had the same thing, that the surgery would be short and a very simple procedure and the Dr. Gary was amazing- he'd look great. His mom couldn'tve been older than 16- If I could guess, I'd say she's 14 and the grandmother couldn'tve been older than 45... they were afraid, but I could tell they cared deeply for this little guy and wanted the best for him. I can't wait to go see him tonight:)

I realized that the reason I was afraid of going back was 100% selfish- in my mind it was justified, but still very selfish... I'm happy to be back on the ward- where I feel most at home here in Africa... other than a few places I've had the joy of visiting off ship, but we'll talk about that another day...

I feel so filled with joy for these patients...Best part of my job is that I get to see patients come and go- I got to see a patient friend leave the ship the other day and it was so exciting, I was almost in tears! SO amazing to see her attitude turned from a shy, scared woman to one full of joy and excitement for her new life. Today at work, I saw a group of about 5 kids and their mamas go down to the ward who have different facial deformities... it'll be awesome seeing their outcome in a few days.

Update: I got to see my little cleft baby and he looks AMAZING!! Big boy and healed amazingly:) I now have a 'befriend a patient' whose name is Rudolph and had extensive surgery which brought his left eye 3cm in closer to his nose- amazing- he's a bit of a handfull as most 4 year olds are but we have fun together. It's especially fun because they speak English, so I can have a full conversation without a translator- I didn't realize how nice that was until recently:)

Thanks for your comments and prayers, guys!! Please keep them coming- surgeries are wrapping up and lots of changes are about to happen- most of my friends will either leave forever or leave for vacation, I'll move into a family cabin for 2 months(yess), job changes for a short time, Israel trip- lots happening and I could use your support and prayers;)

More Ramblings of a Night Shift Worker...

I thought I would share something with you I've been thinking about pretty much this whole night shift I'm currently in...

John 9:1-6
As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, " But this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world." After saying this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man's eyes...

Now, there's a whole lot more to this story than just this bit, but I wanted to share this bit. I stumbled upon this during a church service, if I'm remembering correctly. I heard it a few months ago and it hit me like a ton of bricks...

You see, here in West Africa- at least the countries I've been to- Benin, Sierra Leone, Togo, they believe that bad things happen due to a curse, much like the disciples above, who asked who sinned to cause this to happen to the man. Thankfully, Jesus sets them straight by saying, 'Neither'... This makes me think of a conversation I had in Benin. I've told this story before, but it's on my mind, so I"m going to share it again.

A Grandmother was sitting in bed with her 1 month old granddaughter, who happened to have a cleft lip. After talking with this woman a bit, through a translator of course, I learned that the mom died not too long after child birth. I explained that I also had a cleft lip and palate when I was born. She was shocked and confused. She asked me how this is possible- it's a local curse, not something that you can get in the US. I explained to her how it's not a curse, but rather a medical condition that can happen randomly. It can be genetic, but in my case, and her granddaughter's case, it's a random occurrence. She was in disbelief and also very clearly relieved. She asked me why this happens and I explained what I know medically, then I looked at her and said, "You know what, I think this happens so that God could bring people like me and you together." I never realized how biblical this statement was until recently.

Jesus himself says it- these things happen to bring glory to God... now that can look like so many different things.. but for me, it's why I feel this has happened to me. I've never felt like a victim. I've always looked at it like a trial that I faced when I was young, and to this day I still battle with different problems that the cleft has given me- Dental, ENT issues, etc, but I've grown to own it.

I've grown to realize this is something God uses in me. My hospitalizations, my experiences with doctors, my struggles that have come because of my 'handicap' as some would call it has made me a strong woman who wouldn't have it any other way. I thoroughly plan on using these experiences to help other kids in the same situation through their trials and help them come out on top.... Isn't God great?

Anyway, that was something that has been on my mind all night. I'm interested to see where God takes me next on this crazy journey in Africa. I'm not sure right now what the next year looks like- if I'll get a new job that I"m in love with, of it I'll be in a job I don't love, whether I'll come home in February like I had 'planned', or if I'll stay longer, whether I'll get to keep my original plan of  getting home before camp next year, or if there's something else that'll come up... I have 0 idea, but keeping in mind that God's got a plan for me and as long as I'm trusting in him and listening, he'll take me there, is so exciting... a little scary, not gonna lie, but I think more exciting. He's been showing me so much lately and turned so many grim situations into a good thing that I'm excited to see what he's got for me this time;)

Anyway... that's it from me for tonight... not bad for a sleep deprived shift worker, huh? :)

<3 M

My Sweet Friend.

This week, the ship lost someone who was held very near and dear to our hearts.
Before I tell you my experiences with her, take a peek at my friend's blog. She words it BEAUTIFULLY and was one of her nurses, so she explains the medical side of things far better than I eveer could..http://debsheartinafrica.blogspot.com/2012/04/chantal.html?spref=fb

Now for my side of the story...
A few months ago, I heard about a patient who was on the ICU who was struggling. From the moment I saw her through D ward(which is connected to the ICU), I wanted to meet her. I wasn't allowed, however, until she was released from the ICU. Fair enough. We have our rules, as any hospital does, though msot of our visiting rules are a little more flexible toward crew spending time with patients than home standards are.

I first met Chantal in February. She was placed on my favorite ward- at the time B ward, which is almost 100% for plastics patients(burns/ anything related to needing skin grafts). One of the first interactions we had was I saw her coming out of the bathroom, nearly falling over becasue he arm was secured to stand straight out from her body, which isn't exactly a practical position. The entry to the bathroom and the bathroom itself are so small, that she reallly needed some help, so I sprang up to help her. I got her in her bed, where she rested. She seemed tired, but mainly just emotionally exhausted. Imagine being stuck to a bed for weeks and weeks with a rare opportunity to get outside if your injury is severe enough, with no family by your side or friends from home visiting... exhausting.

I decided to visit her as often as I could. Looking back, I wish I had visited her much more in those early days. She spoke a little bit of english, but that was enough for us. I'd always go talk to her for a few minutes, play with the crazy kiddos, then come back for a few more minutes before I left for the evening.

As time went on, I noticed a change. 2 things really. Her attitude got better, but her body got weaker as the days tuyrned into weeks. She seemed to have a light in her eyes. Later, I found out she'd accepted Christ... it makes so much sense, and I'm so thankful to those who spoke with her about this and prayed with her and planted those seeds which turned into a beautiful flower.

My visits got harder and harder, but I never stopped. One day, I asked a friend, a doctor on board, what it looks like for her. She said they were at this point just trying to keep her comfortable- there was nothing more that could be done. Her body was too weak to continue fighting effectively. We were nearing the end.

Each visit, the life in her eyes got more and more dim. Not that her spirit got weak, it was just that her body was fading... and fast. I did all I could to get down there as often as I could and just sit there holding her hand. I couldn't help but think of what it must be like being in her shoes. As the days went on, I found out more and more from her nurses- she doesn't have parents, she lives in Ghana, but they couldn't find her 4 year old daughter to come say goodbye. The more I heard, the more my heart broke for this amazing young woman- my age- who has been through so much, staring death in the face.

At first, my prayers for her were asking for a miracle- that God would spare her. As I realized that wasn't God's plan, I started praying God would take her as soon as he could. It felt really strange, but I just didnt' want to watch this sweet girl suffer anymore. I visited each time, knowing my visits were few, but I dont think I anticipated how few.

I went down last Saturday, and saw her slipping. Her eyes rolling back in her head, her breathing much more labored than the last time I saw her, she would cry out in pain... I felt like there was nothing I could do to help her... I tried to help her get comfortable, but caused her more pain... I just held her hand. As I left, I asked if I could pray with her and she let out a labored 'Yes'. I prayed God would take her pain and give her peace.. that he would be with her and comfort her through it all. The next day, I went to see her, and she was slipping even more. My prayers got more and more intense- asking God to take her.

The day workers I talked to were all strangely hopeful... saying 'Oh! She got to deck 7 today' -leaving out that they had to get her up there using a wheel chair.. "Oh she's doing great today! She's doing so much better!!'... I asked someoen about it... worried they didn't understand the magnitude of the situation- that we'd lose her in a matter of days. She said they are just in denial... it's not a part of African culture to embrace death and comfort the dying with the attitude of dying.

Oh how I wish I would have known Sunday would be my last day with her. I kind of knew ... I left with the feeling nagging at my gut that this was it for me. I left her that day without saying goodbye. Instead, what happened was she was crying and pain, and to soothe her, I stroked her forehead- much like I do to babies or kids when I'm trying to calm them down and get them to sleep or relax. She dozed off, and once I knew she was 100% out, I left her to enjoy her sleep, which hopefully would take her mind off of all of the pain and labored breathing.

The next day, I tried getting cover for my shift so I could go see her. No one could cover/I didn't ask people that I should've. I found out the next day that even if I had gone down, I wouldn'tve been allowed to see her. I inquired on Wednesday with the ward nurse manager asking if I could sit with Chantal, but she said no. It makes sense, but it was really hard to hear. If one person who isn't directly involved with her care goes to see her, everyoen else and their mother would want to go see her as well. It was extremely hard for me to take. I understood, but didn't want to accept I would most likely never see my sweet friend's face ever again.

On Thursday, I was at community meeting, which was on the dock. My mood dampered and I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I was feeling like I was struggling to hold my head above water. Lonely. Aimless. Thankfully, my friends found me and I had a night of snuggling with my favorite 4 little ones, dancing and singing with crew and some patients I've grown to love who came down. Later, I saw a doctor come down and fetch another doctor, a friend of mine, who then rannnn up the gangway. My heart dropped and I felt sick. I knew. I let go of it, but I knew. Even later, a friend came down the gangway and just started sobbing. Confirmed.

I went down the ward. The ICU door was shut and windows were blocked. Even more confirmation. Nurses buzzed around with management, the head management were talking in Reception... again... confirmed.

I wanted to hear it from someone who knew what was going on. Needed to hear it from someone and not just a rumor from someone who had no idea who she was or what that meant. I looked around and couldn't find anyone I had the heart to ask. I went to my friend Becca's room, who had some involvement with the care and would know what was going on. I asked. She confirmed. She's gone.

Part of me jumps for joy for Chantal. She's up in heaven DANCING and SINGING and walking around with no pain, no dressings, no limitations. That brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. A FREE woman. No tubes to help her eat or to breathe... she could speak without taking every ounce of energy out of her... Incredible. I'm so thankful to the Lord I know where she is and that all of the suffering is over, it's not beginning- its finished.

But deep down in me, I'm so heartbroken. I had so much hope for her when she got here. I really thought we could save her. We did, just not in the way we thought we would. I was chatting with my sister online the day before we lost Chantal, and she reminded me of something. I don't need to be this firm strong person like I seemed to think I had to be. I was ALLOWED to mourn this loss. Eventually I need to let go and just move on, but I have every right to mourn her and grieve the loss of this sweet dear friend I'd made.

Most of me during all of this was thinking this was a bit of a test for me. I am interested in Child Life- right- most of you know that, but I've been challenged by the though of doing more critical cases- terminal or risky care- something like Hematology, Oncology, Emergency. I was thinking this would be a case where I test out how it is to be emotionally involved with a patient and lose them... a bit morbid thinking, but true. I realize that no case is going to be the same. It'll always be different. Things here are a little more intense because we're facing situations every day that would be a rare case at home. I mean come on- 16lb tumors being removed frequently would get you on the news at home, here it's our reality and our daily life. I know at home I'll get attached to patients and go through very similar cases with them as I have with Chantal, but I can't really decide if I'm cut out for that based on this one case. I just have to see what God wants for me when that time comes to pick a specialty- I've got about 2 years before I have to make that choice.... I just need to live day by day and let go of all of that worry.

I felt really amazed when I heard what happened in the final hours of Chantal's life. The nurses went way out of their way to try toget her some fresh air because she said she wanted to feel the wind on her face. They got permission from the Captain to open the pilot's entrance. This is where we let on someone while either coming into or leaving the port who helps direct us out safely. It is on the 3rd deck, where the hospital is, and it is right down near the water. I heard that it was a beautiful time. She sang songs with her nurse and Patient life friends, thanking God for all he has done. They wheeled her back to her room and in a matter of minutes she said, "Jesus is here, Jesus is here" and she passed away. They all said those final moments were so stunning and beautiful- not filled with fear and pain, but peace and hope. It really helps me knowing that she went out well.

It hits me a bit every day that I will never see my friend's beautiful face again. I will never hold her hand. I will never get to pray with her or kiss her cheek. But, she's up in heaven now looking over all of us and partying with Jesus... it's just amazing. I feel like there's a hole in my heart, but God has really comforted me, allowed time for me to let it all out and given me songs and words to help me through.

She lived an amazing life. I can only hope that when my time comes, those around me can look at my death as something beautiful. Sad, sure, but I hope I have a legacy of being a fighter and a warrior, like Chantal. I look forward to seeing her again one day in heaven... of that I am sure:)

I love and miss you, my dear dear friend...

<3 Michelle Joy

Disappearing Act

Sorry I've been so absent lately... I've been INCREDIBLY busy!!!

I don't think I've mentioned before, but I"m directing Godspell for the crew for Good Friday. It's been a huge task, but things are going great. I couldn't ask for a better cast... they are so talented and so excited and enthusiastic... it's totally humbling for me. Amazing how a small idea could transform into something that is so much fun, though a TON of work. I'm floored by these people who have stepped into the roles and just take it on full force... who knew the crew was so talented?

I've gotten a little flustered by some criticism we've been hit with, and some negative words, but I think Godspell could really bring Jesus to life for some people, so we push on and hold our heads high. Just hoping I don't lose any more of my cast at this point. It'd be a huge hit without each of them, who add so much to this project individually and as a great ensemble. I feel so blessed by these people and look forward to each rehearsal. 4 weeks to put on a show is quite a task, but I think we'll do great! :)

On top of that, my job is just a huge energy sucker. It's going well, minus tifts with a co-worker on a daily basis, which I'm trying to push through with integrity and without freaking out on them. I just find myself totally worn down at the end of the week. Probably mostly because all of my spare time is divided between Godspell, youth group, ship events, and the ward when I can get down there, not to mention sleep.

Sleep has been a big issues lately though. I think the major part is caffeine intake. I've been watching that a bit... also the book I'm reading just took an intense turn which has been taking over my dreams a bit. Sleep has not come easy, and when it does, the dreams are insane, but I'll take what I can get. Without sleep, man am I an ugly person... I try my best, but it's pretty rough. Yesterday, I was just delirious by the middle of the work day. Thankfully I was able to go out and play Frisbee and go to dinner for a friend's birthday with energy.

Anyway... I'm realizing that this post is starting to sound delirious...:) I slept in today, and I've been working on my budget for the last 2.5 hours, so my brain is fried. Hopefully the rest of the day will be nice and chill: )

I just wanted to let you guys know what's been up with me and that after Easter, I"ll be working back in Reception again for a short time, so hopefully you'll get lots of posts from me coming shortly;)

<3 M

Happy Birthday to Me!!

My birthday was an extreme mish-mash of different emotions, reactions and feelings....

I woke up, excited to see what my door looked like, maybe even score some sweet cookies. So, I wandered out still sleepy-eyed and dragging my feet behind. I opened the door.... and... there was NOTHING on the door... my heart sank. Last year, someone had decorated the door, put cards on the door etc. I thought about it and it only made me feel worse that it's in general the job of one of the 'good' friends to do that... I dont have any of those here at the moment.... Not to say my friends aren't good... but I"m just not close enough with anyone that everyone assumed someone else would do it. My mom wanted to do it, but we realized later that she'd given me the decorations to use another time, and now they were in my room.... I didn't much feel like doing it myself, so I left it and headed to work.

I got to work and saw that I was on Waffles in the morning and on Coffee in the afternoon- a marriage of 2 great jobs. I was excited. We got making batter. I made 6 batches this time because the last time, we made 5.5 and had to make more because we were running out, plus the kids had a day off, so I knew we'd have more people coming through... Now, we only have 2 waffle irons and each has 2 spots for a Belgian waffle, which is bigger than the small ones at home. Each batch takes between 3-4 minutes to cook and be ready to go... and we normally sell at least 50... think about that for a minute..

I went to test the heat of the machine... someone had turned the heat to 0...great start... Glad I caught that. We waited about 20 minutes, and finally it seemed ready to go. I poured batter and we were off!! THEN, one of my co-workers came by to take a look... and opened it.... NOOOOOO!!!!! What happens then is the batter clings to the iron for dear life and does NOT want to come off, even though we've oiled the surface.... we began the scraping and scraping and scraping... the part you lift was fine since we had gravity to work with, but the bottom part didn't have anything to help it come out so we had to get creative. THEN, another co-worker saw there was batter cooking on the other side, and decided to have a look... and opened it.... I just about screamed at him... the SAME thing happened, but this time I was smart enough to close the lid for a bit and let it cook more before trying to do it again... In the end,all of the bits were charred, and we scraped them off and poured batter in, letting it cook, and it pulled pieces out with it.... it wound up doing that the whole time, but alas- better to have some specks in your waffle than to have no waffle at all, right?

I was so frustrated by this, I was almost in tears, and the co-worker who blamed it all on me was NOT helping- not to mention they were one of the people who opened it and caused the issues. THen he kept claiming it was the machine's fault, when really it was his... Anyway... near the end, once we were wrapping up, I made myself a waffle, and left it for a moment to talk to my mom. The same guy took said waffle and started eating it... my birthday waffle that I'd made for ME... I got upset becuase it was just 1 thing on top of the next- the waffles werent working on the day I was responsible, making crew angry with us, making me angry with myself, my co-worker blaming me for the whole thing, knowing my mom was going to be leaving in a few short hours, and that I dont have any close friends on the ship to decorate my door... it all built up until I just had to go and walk away for a while and just try to get a grip of my emotions.... I wasn't about to let this guy see me upset... it's what he aims for most days... he likes me to get mad...

The whole day was just feeling like impending doom... I have another coworker who is super awesome and thoughtful... she was supposed to get off of work at 3:30, but came asking me if I'd like to get off at 3:30 so I could spend time with my mom. I was really thankful for this- I was able to help her get everything together and upstairs, hang out with her, make a card for a patient, hang out with other friends who were also leaving and just send her off.

Honestly, it was a tough day in general- mainly because of the goodbyes. Yes- my mom certainly but also my friend Tina, Michelle, Ann and a bunch of others..... Can i just say how lonely it gets when you're always the one being left? Its terrible...

I was sure to plan something right after, so after I said bye to my mom, which was a bit better than the last time, I ran, threw some nice clothes on after a few tears, and we went out to eat. We went to a french Restaurant called Cote de Jardin and it was FANTASTIC! I had Lobster Gratain and Creme brulee with a little bit of wine, was surrounded by the people I call my friends on board- it was a nice mixed group and I was even able to include one of my newest friends in the mix, which was a lot of fun. After dinner, laughs and just talkin about life, we came back and 3 of us played Dutch Blitz.... one of my favorites:)

All in all, it was a rough start, but a great day! There were even a few surprises- like a girl who I find quite lovely(....yes..she's a brit;)) gave me a card with her favorite recipes for baking in it because in the little time we've talked she's discovered my love for baking. How sweet is that?!?!?!

:)