As most of you know, if you've been reading this for any length of time, the last year and a half have been a bit of a ride. I went to Kenya, and basically came back at the very beginning chronic condition. A year and a half later, I have all 4 of my doctors baffled. Nobody knows what's going on. Each time we thought we had an idea, months after we began a treatment and saw improvement, I would deteriorate, sometimes rapidly, sometimes over time. The last year has been the hardest. The first months were very scary, but the last year has been far worse.
The minute I realized I was losing weight, at times 5 pounds in a day, I knew something was very, very wrong. My doctors didn't meet my fears, however. At the beginning of all of this, I packed on 20+ lbs in weeks, and my doctor said I must be eating too many carbs. I know my body... I don't gain weight like that. Now, we have the opposite problem. I am making sure to get enough calories, after my adventure I'm losing 5 lbs a day for a bit, but my doctors said it must be because I've restricted my diet so much. They didn't take me seriously until I got near the 60 lb mark in a year, and I stressed that most of it was in the last 7 months.
This has all been hard on me, as I've always bee a heavier person, so most of me wants to rejoice in the ease of the weight loss. I have literally done NOTHING to lose the weight... but as I near the 'normal BMI' zone, I begin to fear what I think all people with chronic GI conditions(if we can still call it that) fear... becoming underweight. Sure, it's not really reasonable for me to think about it and the potential to need feeding tubes and the whole shebang; we aren't there....but I've seen it happen to people. I also fear the opposite. I don't want to one day put back on the 60+ lbs I've lost...
The tricky part is that whenever somebody tells me "Wow! you looks so great!" All of this floods into my mind. I did nothing to get here, I'm scared of what is happening and nobody knows what IS happening... what if it doesn't stop... I've learned to just smile and say thank you, because people don't really want to hear that the loss is because I'm sick and we don't know why. So I just brave a smile and say thanks, even though, more often than not, I am choking back tears of fear.
I'm going to be very real... being single during this whole process has been gut wrenchingly brutal. My family is busy dealing with everyday life of their own, my friends are all either married with their own kids, across the country or world, or busy with their careers and lives. Many do the best they can, but I find myself feeling more alone than ever, when faced with all of this. I hold on to every shred of hope, every comfort that God offers me and provides me...and boy has he provided me peace and comfort when I have needed it. But there are days, when I wish I could've gone through this during a different season of life. One where I had more tangible support. And while it's hard, I am thankful I don't have more responsibilities to other people right now, because I can hardly take care of me some days, let alone others, or little people who would rely on me. But, maybe that's part of the lesson to be learned- joy through trials no matter what the circumstances.
This week, I go in for GI procedure 5 in 15 months. I'm finding myself more anxious thanks like to admit, given I won't be put under and don't even need to prep, except for a clear liquid diet. I think I am most afraid of getting my hopes up that we might finally get an answer, only to be told once again ,"We have no idea why this is happening." I envy your prayers over the next week or two, while I wait. Waiting is not my suit, but I am truly trying to choose JOY over fear.
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