Thursday, February 16, 2012

You got a Friend in me....

Some of you may be wondering "oh man.. what is up with Michelle? why is she so down lately?" Thought I'd fill you in and it'd be great if you could pray for me.

I think coming back was harder than I expected. I was fine until my closest ship friend left a few days after I got back, and it all went downhill from there. I haven't quite bounced back. As someone told me today, I'm 'grieving' the loss of that friend... at least in close proximity. We're still friends, of course but it's just never going to be like it was when she was across the hall and down a few doors. This began a downward sprial I'm still stuck in... its kind of like a weird vortex that brings me and in out of this funk and takes me quite deep into it sometimes.

I was getting better for a while, but then I realized alll of a sudden I really dont have any friends on the ship. Now, let me qualify that word.... my 'friends' are the people I go to when I need something and hang out with and such. My friends on the ship are almost all under 'aquaintance'... very few actually know me, know my full story, who I am, what I've been through, and what makes me tick. There are a few of my friend friends who know all of these things, but that's what deems someone a best friend;) Haha.. I know... my logic is a little weird, but you know... it's the way i think...

Realizing you have no true friends on a ship of 400 is really incredibly disheartening. It is extremely lonely. I find myself feeling alone in a crowd more times in a day than I care to count. One night, I was baking for people for Valentines day. I tend to do nice things for people and get nothing in return, which is how our intentions should be, but it's human nature and instinct to want something in return.... its hard to not feel wanted or appreciated. It's been a lifelong struggle of mine. I never feel like I belong anywhere. When I'm in one place, I'm dying to be somewhere else... As someone said, it sounds a bit like no where is home for me here, but rather I'm desiring something bigger- my heavenly home. True story. I dont like to think about it that way too much becasue it freaks me out haha but it's pretty much the truth.

Yet another valentines day goes by and I really thought it'd be better. I love doing nice things for people and normally that's enough for me, but by the middle of the day, I was homesick, wishing I had friends to spend the evening with and have fun with.... celebrate with... but I was all alone. I was also reminded the day before that it was the anniversary of my friend's death. The 13th was, not the 14th. My Junior year of High School, he committed suicide. I'm not sure if that's why this time of the year is always hard for me, if it's because it's always glaringly obvious how alone I am, or if it's just the time of the year, but man it sucks. If I was home, chances are I'd have made a beautiful dinner for the family and cuddled with Jordan and just had a date with him, or let my parents go out on a date while I guard the house and the child.

Its extremely hard not having anyone here that is your 'default'. I know I've said that before, but I feel like it's truer than ever... Most of my friends either have a group of people they hang out with or a family they're here with...

Moral of the story, I'm extremely lonely and dont feel I really have anyone to talk to and who I can count on to help me out when I'm upset and having a hard time, or to rejoice in the great things when they happen....

Pray it'll come soon. Maybe now is a time to reflect and to rely on God. It'd be nice to have a friend soon though;)

2 comments:

  1. Your mommy will be there soon... :-)

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  2. And Tina too... I think you'll like her. :-)

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