Lonely, I'm Mr Lonely.

DISCLAIMER: This is NOT meant to be a pity party or an attention getter- I'm sharing it merely because I felt like sharing it with you all.

Some of you might be wondering not about the things I'm doing, but HOW I'm doing.

I'll give you a bit of an inside peek at what's been going on for me and what I've been struggling with.

You'd think that with almost 500 people living on a ship, you would never get lonely. GUESS AGAIN. As most of you know, I'm very extroverted. I need interaction with people often in order to feel energized and re-booted. I am also an external processor- I need to talk things OUT LOUD to fully process and comprehend them. It's a problem here. I have friends, sure, but only very few people I feel comfortable running to if I needed something. Even when I do need something, we hit a bit of a conundrum. 1)They are probably working, 2)They are probably busy, 3)they might be a different kind of personality- introverted, etc. These are all problems at home, but they are amplified by a million here.

At home, even when I'm not around friends, I have my family. While that interaction may seem insignificant and routine, I've learned that I 100% took those interactions for granted. Sure- we got on eachothers nerves and didn't always want to be bothered and were running in 100 different directions, but at the end of the day, they were ALWAYS there. I know that both of my parents if I ever needed anything would be there. I could ask for a date and we'd make it happen, I could make dinner for them and they'd be there, I could ask to have Jo for a day, and they'd let me. Having people around that you KNOW are there for you and have always had your best interest in mind is extremely comforting. Having that stripped away, on the otehr hand is EXTREMELY painful. I don't have that here. 5/10 times I go to a meal, I sit alone.

Another problem with this is that I am NOT an initiator. While I'm an extrovert, I do NOT impose, and I do not initiate. If someone is sitting alone, most times, I don't join them unless I know them. If my friends are going off and doing something or just hanging out I do NOT invite myself no matter how much I might want to go. Here's where you hit a MAJORRR clash. Everyone is different. Some say 'If they want to come, the'll come'. Some say 'Lets invite everyone." some just don't think about it. Me- I don't like to go annnywhere unless invited. I've had too many experiences where that's backfired- I invited myself and found out later they did NOT want me there. That's hurtful and to preserve myself I just steer away from it. Is it right? No... but is it the way my mind and gut go? Yes. It's something to work on, but for now it's a huge wall.

I have always wanted to belong to a group. Up until this point I never once have, except for my family, which I desparately wish I had here during all of this. I have never been someone people invite places. It's never, "We need to invite Michelle" or "Michelle has GOT to come!!"It's always an afterthought. "Ohhh you should've been there". But.. if I didn't know about it.. how could I have been there? This sense of belonging has never happened for me, which is a bit funny because it's one of the top 5 things I've always wanted for my life.

I truly think that this is something God is trying to work on me in. I have this overwhelming sense that this is not what I want for myself. I don't want to constantly be in a state of loneliness and wishing that my life was what it isn't. I want to be content with where I am and just give the rest of the feelings up. I am sick of feeling constantly lonely. I've asked God to not just take this away, but to show me how to handle this. I have some past friendships that still haunt me a bit that I'd like to deal with. I have some serious deep issues in this department that I just want to work through and learn from, not just cast off. My hope and prayer is that I don't just get rid of these issues for a day or a few weeks. I don't want temporary releif, but I want COMPLETE relief... I want to be finished with it forever so that I never have to go through these things again. I don't want to question my sense of belonging and who I am. I want to be okay with where I am in regards to this. I'm not saying I'll never ever feel lonely again- not going to happen- it's a human emotion we all feel from time to time. I'm just asking for God to intervene and get RID of all of this with me.

I know this post is loaded. But, I'm hoping that by sharing this with all of you, you can do two things. I hope you can pray for me- for all of this. It's been a battle all the way back to when I started making friends. I've always thought people were my friends because they felt bad for me, which isn't true. Another thing I hope might come from this is that someone might read this and say 'wow.. that's me... or was me.." and would be willing to chat about it. I've asked God to bring people my way who can help me through.

Pictures Say 1,000 Words

The Pictures Say it all...

African Comfort Food

Every Tuesday on board the good ol' AFM is African Night. Some look forward to is all week some dread it....personally, I LOVE it... though they do tone it own for us so they don't burn our mouths off. While I was working in the Galley, I asked my lovely day workers if they'd teach me how to make my FAVORITE African dishes so I can make them when I go home. I have yet to actually replicate what we made that day, but here is how you do it!

Me an one of my 'teachers'- Marina

Bentia(not in the pictures) started by teaching me Onion Stew(my all-time Favorite!!) You start by sauteeing onions until they are nice and soft.

Then you add spices- this is Jumbo, a local spice, which from what I can tell is essentially beef bouillon, but has lottts of MSG as well:)

You add salt, pepper, jumbo, chicken powder, beef powder, she added a little thyme, then tomato paste until it's the right color red, and a little bit of water.

You have to stir it often or it WILL burn onto the bottom of the pot.

Plantains are a HUGE part of our African meals on board. First, we have to peel all of them- we do between 8 and 14 cases every week!!

Once Peeled, we cut them up

Then Fry them up- In my personal opinion, the darker they are, the better the flavor:)

On to the beans!!! You start off with the same base as the onion stew, but with about 1/2 of the onions.

You have to boil the beans(Black Eyed peas) for a whilllee until they're nice and soft, and all of the water has evaporated off of them.

Once the beans are cooked, you add the 'red stew'.

This is the KILLER spicy sauce they cook up and put on the side for the TRUE african lovers... I can't even be NEAR them when they cook this or zap it in the food processor... it makes me sneeze, cough and makes my face burn!! That's how spicy it is!!!!

Mmmm gotta love it- that night we had fried sea bass with it. The rice is buried under all of the yummy sauces... it was a great night for my taste buds:)

Pizza Time!!

I thought you guys might like to see how pizza is made for 400+ people. We normally make over 50 pizzas with enough for everyone to have 3 slices. Three VERY large slices.

The Ingredients

She's a sauce licker.... I'm a dough eater

ASSEMBLY TIME!!

Sneaking some of the Broccoli cream sauce...

Pizza night is sooo muuchhh funn!!!!:)

DRAMA TIME!!!

Every Thursday from 12:55pm- 2:30pm I work with a group of kids from the school on board, aka The Academy, and teach them drama. That really means having a glorified play time- especially with the youngest ones, but I do really try to get them learning.

The first class I have is from 12:55- 1:40. This is my 2nd and 3rd grade class and my biggest, which has a whopping 7 kids. Yes- only 7. They range in personalities like crazy, which definetly cracks me up sometimes. I have a few who love the class but rarely actually pay attention, one who is my listener, and the others like to just be silly. At least there's room for that in a drama class. Once I get them focused and paying attention, we have a great time:) Last week I started them on script reading. I attempted to explain a cold read to them, but they were all really confused... we'll work more on that later. But they were all excited to have a script in hand and ready to go. (Ps- does anyone reading have good scripts for 7 kids of this age- or a script that I can adapt. The one we're working with is good for now, but I want all of the kids to have more than just 1 line- a few only have 1 line, and I wanna get them reading out more. )

My second class is my 1:45-2:30 which is my Kindergarten and 1st grade class. I have 1 kindergartener and one 1st grader. It's definetly a challenge getting only 2 kids to play a game, as most games are defintely for at least 3 kids. I can't just play Duck Duck Batman or anything like that... I gotta get really creative with these guys. I have learned that they LOVE to pretend. Most of the time they mimic eachother a bit, but I think over time they'll figure it out. We played a game where they were pretending to be little seeds of a tree that were growing up, and one was wayy into it, but kept peeking an eye open to the other, who wasn't as excited. But.. again- with time:) I think these kinds of games are ideal. We also played a game where I was a toy store owner and the kids were toys, and I had to leave to do things and when I came back, I find the store in different shape than when I left... they loved that one. Especially when the shop owner called the police and the police told them they werent toys but little boys... making me the silly one:) haha. (If you have any games for 2 k-1 kids.. let me know- I'll run out of ideas after a while.. )

It's been a great time for me- it's always fun, and I'm ALWAYS learning a bit more about teaching, how to effectively get the kids to listen, and what works, but also what doesn't work and how not to do things:) I'm really looking forward to seeing what kinds of things we come up with over the rest of the year. I'm also really excited for the Christmas show that happens every year on board that I've been asked to help with. Any ideas? Haha... I'm fishing for ideas on all fronts;)

<3 M

I Remember...

I remember September 11, 2001- do you?

I was in 8th grade in my US History class. Mrs. Reese, my very favorite teacher, was teaching us- I think something about artifacts or something. I remember her leaving the class for a few moments and coming back with this look on her face. Something was terribly wrong. I think our class was one of the first to know because this was personal to our teacher. Her husband is in the army and was sure to be deployed. Little did we know that she was pregnant at the time. She hardly got any words out before the PA system came on and the Principal attempted to tell us what happened... no one believed it until Mrs. Reese turned the tv on and let it speak for itself.

I was sitting next to Kaylyn- one of my closest friends at the time, and her heart just sank. Everyone started talking to one another after a few minutes. She told me that she needed to call her mom who was only a few blocks away from the World Trade Center. It turns out some of her family friends were indeed in the building when planes crashed.

Another boy in my class was saying that his mom is flying from DC to LA- he was worried his mom was on the flight. Thankfully, as it turned out, she missed the flight. I was sitting there mystified. Part of me was wondering if this was really happening. Part of me was totally terrified. I knew my mom worked close by to the pentagon... questions began rolling through my head... "Is she alive? Did she get hurt?"... If I remember correctly, my mom saw the plane coming down that hit the pentagon. I can't even imagine.

We were all called into an early lunch that day and dismissed quickly after. I didn't understand why. Were we at risk of being attacked? Was something else wrong? Did they just want us to be with our families? What about the kids whose parents are trapped in traffic or at work. My dad was home not long after I got home- I think he brought work home with him. My sister was home because they got out early too- but I think she quickly went to a friend's house. Me- I remember watching the TV blankly for a while... just confused...not sure if it was really happening. My mom wasn't able to get home until very late that night- she was required to stay at work until all pediatric patients involved in the day's events were taken care of.

I remember after a few days, selfishly complaining that I couldn't watch my usual TV shows becuase it was all only news(we didn't have cable yet). Looking back I think to myself, "Man- how stupid of me... people were dying and all I cared about was my own entertainment."

I think it finally set in after a while. I remember my writing teacher had us write daily. Not long after September 11, she had us write about our reactions to the day so that we could process a bit. Later in the year, I wrote a short story about a girl who was supposed to be there, but wasn't. Clearly it effected me in ways I didn't know when it first happened.

I think the thing that really struck me about the whole thing is how many people were spared. many were not, but there are so many stories of people who were supposed to be there but weren't. They missed their train, they overslept, they were sick, they took a day off.... it's just incredible to me. A miracle, really.

Remember this day- it will be important forever in American history. For those who were directly effected by the events, I pray that despite all of the evil, something good has come of all of this for you and your family. To the firefighters, police, and EMT's who were there that day- Thank you. To all of you brave soldiers- thank you for putting your life on the line for me. To all of those who have lost soldiers- they are so corageous and I hope you are proud of the freedom they have protected in our nation.

It still baffles me how someone could be so cruel as to purposefully take so many lives from people who did nothing wrong. They attacked our nation as a whole when only very few did anything to deserve it. I'm not going to say our country is perfect and blameless- there are definetly things that are corrupt and wrong. But it breaks my heart that so many had to die for the satisfaction of another nation. This event has struck up a war that has yet to be over, which has not only caused the death of many Americans, but many innocent souls in the east.

We can never forget this day. The world forgot too many innocent people to forget.

Transitions

After much deliberation and waiting, I have finally had the change I've been hoping for- a JOB change!! On August 30th, I was able to transfer from the Galley to Reception.

I was in such need of a job change. It wasn't that I totally hated my job, or didn't like the people- I adore everyone that I worked with- we were such a solid team there at the end. It was just honestly getting boring. My main jobs that I was asked to do were wash and prepare rice(6-8 6inch hotel pans full), peeling onions, garlic, or ginger, and baking. I LOVED the baking parts, and the rest were fine the forst 5 times I did them for 2 hours, but after a while, peeling things for a few hours just gets to be a bit boring and annoying... my mind was crying for some attention.

It's also not that I thought Reception would be the best job in the world for me- it's certainly not my dream job, but it's Different. You might wonder what a receptionist does on a ship. Well- for those of you from UMBC- it's much like working at the Harbor desk, but also, for those who know my job record- it also reminds me a lot of working at the pet hotel I worked at. It's like Harbor Desk because I'm in charge of keys and the desk has to be manned 24/7, but it's also like the pet hotel, because I have to put together packets for arrivals and departures as well as answer any questions to new people.

The likeness ends there. I work one of 3 shifts- the 7am-2pm(I have yet to do), the 2pm-9pm, and the 9pm- 7am(or 8am on the weekends). During the day time, my responsibilities mainly include answering phones, giving keys when needed, fufilling basic requests, as well as disembarking crew, and manning the fire panel and 911 phone. In the evening, I'm responsible for embarking crew as well as all of the above. During nights, I man the phones and such, but the main reason I'm at the desk is to man the fire panel and 911 phones.

The fire panel is the system which reads when detectors notice an abnormality. We have a prewarning(a small beep) when a less important detector reads an abnormality, and a FOB(Fire on board) warning when a high-value detector goes off. My job is to disarm the alarm and alert the officer on duty, who then checks it out. If I don't answer the alarm within 2 minutes, the alarm on the entire ship goes off, waking everyone up, which I DO NOT want to happen unless 100% necessary. Once the officer reports back, I act accordingly. Also, I'm in charge of responding to 911 calls. We get false alarms often, but we do get the occasional emergency, for which I either have to pull the alarm, call the duty officer, or call the Emergency Medical Team(the most frequently used).

So, on nights, once I've done my duties(laminating, embarking crew, being sure embarkations and disembarkations are in order for the next day, checking the car boards, answering phones, updating phone lists, etc etc etc) I'm allowed to kind of hang out. I can watch movies, play games, talk on the phone.. write my blog(like I'm doing right now)- all as lonnng as I can hear the fire panel and 911 phone.

It's been a great transition for me. I notice a smile on my face much more often. Though the sleep schedule is a little tricky, I havent missed a night's sleep yet(or a day's sleep as is the case when I work nights), and I LOVE seeing people during the day:) It's just nice.

I'm interested to see how I like the job in a few weeks. I'll only be working at Reception until December, but who knows. :)

Ps- for thsoe keeping track... T minus 15 weeks until I come home for vacation!!! Hooray!!!

-M