There are times when I look at my life
and go, 'Man... I'm letting my life pass me by...' I struggle just to
get through my day-to-day tasks and sleep or watch tv when I'm free
from those tasks that can drag me down. Then, there are times when I
am so deep in thought and wonder how I can be so content letting life
pass by- feeling under accomplished and like I need to do more with
my free time.
You may be reading this and saying,
“And this is coming from the girl who was in Africa for 2.5
years...”. True, I was. Do I regret not putting myself out there
for 2/3 of that time- yes. I look back and say to myself, “Self,
what were you doing watching movies all the time and resting so
much?” It is true that I needed a lot of 'bounce-back' time on
board- especially during my 1.5 years as a receptionist... those
shifts kill you. And true I did get to know patients and worked off
ship, but I feel like I could've done a lot more. I could've gotten
invested in an off-site place each country we went to. I also feel
like I'm probably being hard on myself. But then I look at my current
life situation and go, “I do not like this...”
I'm in a weird transition phase, but
when is anyone NOT in one of these phases. I recently took on going
to Children's and volunteering and volunteering at my nephew's
school, which are certainly awesome and filling up my 'free time' a
bit more. But, there are times I am about to burst at my seems
thinking, 'COME ON, GET UP AND GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!!' There is so
much I WANT to do, but don't. I want to go camping. Alone. By myself
in the woods. I want to travel and see all of those I love so much
around the US and the world. I want to go to Guinea and see my kids.
I want to absorb as much knowledge as possible. I want to be an
amazing person and advocate for those who have no voice. I want to
have a connection with God deeper than ever before. I want to
redesign my room so I have a place I WANT to be, but also keep it
clean and tidy. What's holding me back? Me. I am. Fear. Uncertainty.
Resources.
Truth is... these are all sad excuses.
Truthfully the only one I'm not sure if I could make happen is the
camping... I just do not feel safe being alone out there without any
safety net- if anyone has ideas please let me know- I'm dying to go
camping!! But the other things- I do have a great safety net of
finances. I'm afraid to use them. But, I also think it's important to
visit those I love and foster those relationships that I miss so
dearly. I'm dying to go to Colorado to see my ship nieces, big sister
and brother. I've never been to the mid-west and this is such a great
excuse. I'm dying to go to Seattle to see some great friends and
experience the city. I'm DYING to go up to California to see family,
but also explore Nappa Valley. I want to go to huge national parks
and explore and have some fun. I want to go to Guinea when the ship
is there to visit, but more-so to see my kids at Lazare's orphanage.
This week has been eye-opening to me.
So many times I was stomping my feet in my head saying, “But I dont
wanna!!!!” But, a friend was in need and I knew that that was to be
my top priority. Forsake myself and my precious sleep(I love sleep a
little more than is normal), forsake my fear of spending money, and
be present. It has been a tough, but oh so rewarding week. Spending
time with these dear friends, meeting their sweet baby, who I plan on
spending hours and hours with over the next few weeks, and supporting
them. I've been the supporter of families and kids in hospitals
before, but never friends. It's such a different experience. One I
needed to have, but not an easy one- especially when nobody expected
it. Thankfully this sweet baby was born to a STRONG family, who will
prevail despite the challenges. His prognosis is EXCELLENT and I
can't wait to see them come out on top of this.
Last night I had a conversation with my
friend, and the dad of this precious baby, that really got my wheels
turning. So much so, I hardly wanted to go to sleep, because it had
me thinking. The conversation went something like this: How much time
to we spend as a society DISTRACTING ourselves from the things
actually going on around the world? How many things pull us away from
the pressing issues of our very own society, yet we are blinded by
these THINGS that mean nothing in the grand scheme, but are fun.
They're things that draw us in and suck every last ounce of energy we
have left into them- books, movies, television, our phones. They
blind us to the terrible things our own government is doing to us,
let alone the atrocities occurring around the world that we could
HELP PREVENT. Yet, we don't care, as long as we have the next
Divergent series book, the next season of Parenthood uploaded to
Netflix, movies we can rant and rave about, music that we find
compelling or disgusting and express why, and our favorite shows at
our fingertips.
We should instead be educating
ourselves and putting our minds to good use. Sure entertainment is a
great thing in small doses, but we COULD be reading books from the
past that warn us about the future they saw that was rapidly
approaching and going to destroy us. The books that warn us about the
very things we are currently battling in our own country... With
that, I've decided to go ahead and read some of these books. My
friend gave me a good start of ideas, but please if you have a book
that you think is important to the way we view our society, please
send me the name. I want it and I want to read it... Here's the
beginnings of my list...
- A Brave New World
- 1984
- Animal Farm
- The Giver
- The Long Way Home
I need more- so PLEASE send me
ideas!!!! Books that are non-fiction and about social justice issues
that are well written are books I want to know about as well.
I literally felt like I might implode
if I didn't write this out... with that, I'm now going to resist the
urge to watch my tv show in bed and zone out... I'm gonna go work on
my messy room... with my tv show in the background. I'm hoping that I
can slowly wean myself off of these distractions and FOCUS on the
things that truly matter. Instead of just surviving, I want to
THRIVE. I've been thinking lately, “What legacy do I want to
leave?” Now I'm turning it to you- what legacy do YOU want to
leave?
