The Last Year

Warning: Some of this has been said before, but some of it has not. This is more of a processing post than anything, but also to fill you in a bit on what's going on. Proceed. 

One year ago, this picture that hangs next to my bed was taken. I held this sweet little thing while his mama got her wisdom teeth pulled in the trailer right in front of me. I remember seeing the love this mama had for her little guy and knowing she was giving him the best life possible.

The week and a half we spent in Kenya was heart wrenching, as we told a mother of 6 that she had HIV, which likely meant many of her children, if not all of them, did too. We told a very young girl she was expecting a baby, which was not welcome news, as there was a potential rape involved. There was so much heartache, but for me there was so much joy as well. For those we were able to treat, even with something as simple as Tylenol, I knew we were doing what we needed to do there. I was able to make the day of a child with a glitterwand, as they waited for treatment. I was able to provide resources and show mamas how to hold baby while we stuck them to see if they had malaria, which would make the child comfortable, but also secure and safe. I got to spend time with the school kids during their recess, who thought bubbles, and especially sticky bubbles, were the greatest thing in the world and shrieked with joy every single time I waved the wand or blew the bubbles their way.

Was it perfect and without its bumps in the road? No. It never is. But I loved every minute of Kenya. I honestly didn't want to come home. It felt impossible readjusting to the 'first world grind' and 'problems' after being where I had been. Many of my teammates struggled deeply with the trip, The structure, the lack of being busy, but I loved simply being back on the continent I love, in a new culture, and simply being. I think if I knew what was going to happen in the year following, or heck even the days after arriving home, I would've soaked it up even more than I did. This picture is a bittersweet reminder of the 'me' that was 'before' the return home. Before it all 'hit the fan' if you will.

I wrote some of this on my post 'Through the Storm', but there is more detail and more about what is going on now...
On the trip home from Kenya, I felt pretty queasy, but I thought that maybe we all caught something. I wasn't the only one with the 'mouth sweats', as we affectionately dubbed them on our trip. I took Zofran and was ok. I remember sleeping like a ROCK, once allowing myself to sleep, but having some serious GI issues over the next week- particularly the first several days back. I checked in with the team to see if anyone else was having issues, but nobody else did. I realized it probably wasn't a bug after a few days. It eased up, but still, I would be overcome with waves of nausea or other issues randomly throughout the week. After a month of this, I realized I wasn't ok. I had a very scary symptom- I'll spare you all of the details- that happened more than once. Finally, I asked my mom if this was normal. She said I needed to go to the doctor. When your mother, who is a nurse, says you need to go to the doctor, you need to go to the doctor.

My doctor immediately went for the obvious assumption and wanted to test me for parasites and other weird illnesses that could've taken me over during my travels in Kenya. I didn't eat anything PARTICULARLY weird, though I did eat sugarcane off of the street. I then got yelled at for doing that and didn't do it again. I was honestly rooting for it to be a parasite of some kind, so that we could just treat it and be done. After several tests and a couple of weeks, we discovered that I did not have a parasite or any tropical illness we could find. Since there was nothing my General Practitioner could find and I was NOT getting better, but weaker, she referred me to my GI specialist.

I told him how I had been feeling and his first response was basically, "You are far too young to be having these symptoms and for me to take this lightly. We are going to do a round of testing to see what is going on. From the sounds of it, I am going to guess that it is something fairly mild, such as Ulcerative Procitis, and will be in remission in a few weeks or months, but we need to get in there to really see what is going on." We scheduled my first Colonoscopy, and the games began. The first test was within 2 weeks of my appointment. He made it clear we needed to get in ASAP to be sure something wasn't wrong.

At first, I felt okay about it all, but then my doctors words stuck to me. 'You are too young for me not to make sure its not something else.' Something else? Like what? Cancer?  Then my mind had a good old time with me. Colon cancer runs in our family, but not until we are in our 50s... normally. The doctor didn't at all see what he expected. He said everything actually looked really good considering my symptoms. He said he still suspected Proctitis, which would be the best case scenario, but we would have to wait for the results to find out what's truly happening.

The 14 days of waiting for my results felt like an eternity. The first 7 were fine, but the second 7, I began planning for the worst. 'What if I do have cancer? What will I do? How will I finish school...' And it went on and on and on. This was all in the middle of the semester, which just made it even more fun. Day 14 hit, and I still had no results, so I called. They couldn't tell me over the phone, but they had been mailed. They were mailed to my parents address, not mine, so I had my dad take a picture of the results. Colitis.

The world was upside down, but my doctor saw me 2 days after I got my results and got me medication right away. I felt like a new person. I had energy for the first time in weeks, I didn't feel like I would pass out at any moment. I felt like a new girl. That lasted only about 3 weeks. Then I started feeling gross again. I scheduled a follow-up, but nobody told me my doctor couldn't make it. Another doctor was free, however, and I NEEDED a follow-up, because I was NOT doing well and truly needed intervention asap. This doctor ended up taking over my care. It had been about 6 weeks since my first bout of testing and he wasn't comfortable with my progress. He was nervous that I was getting worse, so he scheduled me for an endoscopy, to figure out what was making me so nauseous all of the time, and a flex sigmoidoscopy to be sure I hadn't gotten markedly worse.

When we did the procedure, my doctor was much more thorough. On the first procedure, only 1 biopsy was taken. This time I think I counted over 6 biopsies were taken. We tested for all kinds of things. Nothing came up positive. Again the wait was torture, but I was insanely frustrated when 'non-conclusive inflammation and gastropothy' came up. Basically means 'there's something weird going on, but we don't know what'.

We put me on acid reducer after acid reducer. We thought we found the right one, then it failed. Nausea came and went daily, until I decided to cut out gluten and all sugars(except natural sugars) from my diet. In January, my doctor said he suspects I have IBS, so we started treating for that. I did well until about late March, then other parts of my body started falling apart. We messed with dosages, did all we could think of. I began PT for my back in May, which everyone has been saying is unrelated, but I truly think is related somehow. I have also had tendinitis in my foot for over 7 months and will finally start PT on that this week.

Now, in July, a whole year later, i feel like we are back at square 1. I present with almost the exact symptoms I had when we started- give or take a few. I am headed back for another round of testing (endoscopy and colonoscopy) on Tuesday. I truly hope that this time there are answers. Answers that can be fixed easily and without anything that will spin my life off of its course more than it already has.  I am very tired and incredibly ready to have more good days than bad. I am ready to be better.

Teams at Mosaic have been leaving to go all around the world for the last few weeks in order to serve different organizations who are making a huge impact in their communities and spreading the word of God. The Kenya team left last night. I am both so excited for them and heartbroken. I really thought when I got on the plane headed back to the states last year that I would be headed back this year. My heart breaks because I truly feel called to go all over the world, but I know now is not the time, no matter how much I wish it was. I know that when God calls me, I will be ready to go, whether it be with a huge pack of medication and materials on hand, or free from all of this.

My heart still longs to be somewhere else; far from the day to day routines. I know August will be full of adventures, new relationships, and the choice of whether I will make my classrooms a place where extraordinary things happen, or where we fall into the grind, and simply survive, until the next big thing comes down the pike.

I am certain big things are going to happen over the next year. I am just hoping that my health issues will soon be a thing of that past that helped grow me into a stronger person, not one that put limits on who I am and what I can do.

My Seedlings

Something you may or may not know about me is that I LOVE to write. I don't often get much time to do it, but I truly love to capture my thoughts, feelings, and wondering and put them down in some way. That being said, I think it may be time for me to revive the blog a bit. I will try to space out the heavy stuff with some lighter more random posts until I decide what I want from my blog. For now... here's what's been going through my head today.

A little over a week ago, I had a day off. I decided to orchestrate this day in a way that would allow me time to take care of the garden. After some thought, I decided to germinate my seeds before planting, as my roommate and owner of the house was out of town and I didn't want to randomly plant things without consulting her. Plus, I wasn't sure if we were clear of our last frost and many of my plants need a SOLID 65+ temp outside before they can be safely transplanted.  I decided to make a bit of a nursery in my basement.

At Walmart and Aldi, I went a bit crazy with the seed buying. But, I figured it would be way better to overbuy and germinate, transplant and overproduce, having tons of produce to work with for only about $20, than undershoot and have to buy produce all summer. Overshoot I did. I bought over 16 different kinds of plants from watermelon to cantaloupe, jalapenos, cilantro, basil, variations of tomatoes, beets, carrots, okra, cucumbers, squashes, if it grows in the summer, chances are I have it. I also got some mescaline and broccoli we will grow later in the summer, got some lettuces(I don't even like lettuce or salad, but I figured maybe I would if I grew it?), We are golden.

I got these awesome cardboard containers from Aldi for super cheap, and an organic seed starter from Aldi as well(GO ALDI). I filled each cup with dirt, planted according to the direction, and mayyyy have added more seeds than recommended. Hey- I want them to grow! I can thin them out later. I put them in aluminum baking pans I have and put them over by the window sill. The waiting game began.

Daily, I'd go check and see how my little 'babies' were doing. Now, you may think that's crazy. But, truly... I feel like they are my little seedlings and I am responsible for them. I nearly dropped them the other day, and I was MORE scared than if I almost dropped an infant. No. I am not kidding. Crazy, I know.

You may be wondering where this hankering to garden even comes from. Well, part of it comes from living on water for 2.5 years, which means...well.. there's not even a remote possibility of gardening for yourselves, part of it comes from memories of going to my grandpa's garden as a child and helping him, loving to see the process, the rewards for all of the hard work. He was a bit of a master gardener, and spent his days working the land- all day every day from my young memories. They now live in an apartment and he still has a small 'container garden' on his balcony. It makes me smile. It's in my blood.

Last year I randomly decided to plant a couple of things late in the season and they went beautiful. It became an escape from the mundane and everyday life, so I just would go and work after coming home from work or CrossFit. Now, I can't exercise, but have this huge desire to garden. So, I figure this is a great way to trick my body into working hard;) It also turns out, I'm kinda good at this whole gardening thing. I have good instincts, and I love to do it. I did a huge project last semester on gardening in schools, so I used some of my research to launch my garden this year.

I am hoping that by the time the weather warms up enough for my plants to be transplanted, I have a game plan in place with my roommate and we can decide where everything will go and the best course of action for all of my little seedlings.

At first, they didn't budge. I was nervous. I knew it takes time for these things to grow. But on day 4, my lettuce plant sprouted. I about fell over I was SO excited. 2 days later on day 6, my beets sprouted. Slowly, but surely, they were all starting to sprout! By day 7, 5 sprouted, day 9, 8 sprouted, and by the end of day 10, 12, almost 13 had sprouted and some were growing strong.

I couldn't help but be completely captivated by the entire process. How.... how does this seed... this guarded, shielded, protected thing that seems dead and lifeless. Like it could NEVER be anything ever again, become something. How, once I bury it in dirt, tend to it, and water it, feed it, and shine light on it, does it suddenly spring life from its little self. Then it not only does this, but I can literally see growth throughout the day. I cannot help but see the parallels in my own life in this. With so much mess happening, so much hurt, so many dreams shattered and doors closed, I can't help but see the hope that is coming. The hope that could literally be a day away. I just have to take care of myself, feed myself(both literally and spiritually), and work on getting myself in the ideal conditions to grow and THRIVE. I've gotten so used to just surviving and being in a shell... that's not what we're called to.

God is so good and so cool to create the world this way. He creates new life from something dead every day in something as insignificant as a plant. Something that is living, but has no feelings, thoughts, can't act on it's own, but God designed it this way to grow and gain life from death. How much more does he want US to be able to LIVE and THRIVE and GROW? The bible tells us to consider the flowers of the field- God feeds them and 'clothes' them, why are we so worried about what we will eat, drink, wear. Stop worrying about tomorrow, it has enough worries of it's own.

I have so much to work on and learn from this, but isn't it INCREDIBLE that God has brought all of this to me from a SEED.. in my basement... amazing. 

Through the Storm

I looked at my blog and realized how long it has laid stagnant. This makes me sad, but I realize why this is the case. I simply didn't know what to say here without baring my soul. So. I decided maybe it was time to do just that.

This was not written without much thought, hesitation, and fear. But, I realized that by putting this out into the world, I might be able to help more people. This is not written for pity, but with the hopes that if someone else is going through something like this, they will find a ray of hope, find someone they can talk to about what they are going through, and see that despite it all, there is light in the dark.

After I returned home from Kenya, I thought I had a stomach bug. I rested extra and took it easy, but it just wouldn't pass. I returned to work and things were just not going well for me. I didn't feel well and it became clear a few weeks later that something was terribly wrong. I went to the doctor, was put through a gamut of testing, referred to a GI doctor, put through another stream of testing. The doctor told me that I was too young to be exhibiting these symptoms and we needed to test IMMEDIATELY... My heart dropped... this meant one thing in my mind... he feared the worst.

The weeks between this conversation and testing were terrifying. So many thoughts ran through my mind. Would I have to go through chemo at the age of 27. Would my life ever be the way it was before; crossfitting and doing yoga at least once a week, eating whatever I want, using my body for every day tasks, as well as for fun hobbies.  Would my quality of life ever be what it was before? So far, all of the answers have been no.

I went into my first round of testing, with a friend by my side, who I am so thankful for. I went under hoping for the best. I came out and my doctor told me there was no sign of cancer. I could breathe for the first time in weeks. There was nothing pointing to anything horrific, but a biopsy was taken and I would receive my results in 7-14 days. I breathed and for about 7 days I went about my life as normal.

On about day 8, it began to hit me again. What if they found something wrong? What if the results come back with something worse than the original thought, which was something fairly minor, easily treated, for which I would be in remission in a matter of weeks. I was wrecked and had to lean in to God. I had been functioning on MY strength, but that was completely exhausted. It was gone. During this time, I had changed jobs due to plenty of circumstances, started my new placement for school, started a new semester, had so much going on to juggle on top of all of this. I was done and I was at the bottom. God picked me up, dusted me off, and got me through those long, long days.

I finally got my letter in the mail. My dad texted me the results, as I couldn't get them immediately when they were sent. The office wouldn't say my results over the phone, which should've been my first sign, but once I saw the results, my heart completely dropped. I got them after an appointment elsewhere, and I sat in my car SOBBING. I immediately began texting friends asking for prayer. This road was going to be rough. I'd done my research. I knew that this meant.

Ulcerative Colitis. I called the doctor's office and they wanted me to come in immediately for a consult. The day I got my diagnosis is both a blur and a day that I remember vividly. I went to Starbucks, because I had SO much work to get done, then drove home, sobbing the whole way home.  I got home and said, "I don't have time to feel." So, I shut myself down and got busy.

I went to my doctor only 4 days later. He started me on heavy steroids immediately. The day after I began, I automatically had my energy back. I almost cried I was so excited. I would get so tired during the day, it was overwhelming. I would climb the stairs and feel like I'd climbed Everest. I'd be winded from walking from my car to the front door of church. I would feel like I was going to pass out from walking down the hall at school. Now that I felt better, I went back to crossfit for a day, but couldn't keep up, got so frustrated with my body. Then, it all came crashing down.

Suddenly, it all stopped working. I had new symptoms, things weren't working the way there supposed to, I went back to the doctor, ended up switching doctors due to a scheduling flubb.... loonnnnng story short, we did more testing, found more issues, began treating them, then began trial and error. One med didn't work, so we tried a new one. New symptoms show up, switch meds, see a new specialist for another weird symptom, try a new med, add a new med for a new condition that rears its head, switch meds, add a new med..... the beat goes on.

Things have felt... impossible at times. There have been days that were so suffocation overwhelming and I didn't know how I would get through them. But, through it all, I truly believe God was right there by my side, holding me, supporting me. Even when those I needed failed me, he held me. When I felt my singleness more than ever, which for those who have chronic illnesses... it's so hard... he reminded me that I was not alone. When I had needs, He always provided for me. In my hardest, darkest days and nights, he always got me through, made me stronger, and has made me a stronger, better person at the end of the day.

If I could be healed right now, I would take it, but I would not take this all back, because it taught me who my true friends are, taught me that my church community truly supports me and is there, taught me that God is my rock and the only thing I can depend on at the end of the day, and that in the darkest of nights, there is always a light.

The past two days have been a challenge for me, as I've been reminded constantly of my yearning to return overseas. I went to an Arts Integration Conference at UMBC yesterday and one of the tracks I went to was focused on Kenya and using Global partnerships for arts integration and utilizing them to further your student's educational experiences. The presenter invited us to join her in Kenya this summer. Mosaic also has several trips abroad this summer, one of which I applied to. It became clear last week when my body completely failed me that I absolutely cannot go anywhere anytime soon outside of the US. If I have an emergency, I need to be able to get a hold of my doctor and be close to a pharmacy if needed. I need to be able to rest comfortably, and need to be able to take care of myself. Things that are a luxury in Kenya and Haiti.  It is attainable in Poland, but the travel itself would do me in.

My heart completely shatters with the idea that I will never return overseas due to this illness. But, it gives me motivation to get better, take care of myself, and heal.  In the meantime, I realize... I am in the middle of an incredible community at my school(s), have some incredible opportunities, I just joined an honor society with my department... I have so many opportunities. I need to be sure I'm not so far sighted that I lose site of what is here now. That's deadly.

If you got to the end of this... thank you. If you are going through something and ever need to talk... please don't hesitate to reach out. This journey has been so hard and going through it alone at times has made it feel impossible. You are NOT alone... God is ALWAYS there, and I am more than willing to stand by you...

Also, if you're reading this and are up for it... please keep me in your prayers. I thought this would be over by now, but we are 6 months in and have no end in sight. I'm very tired, but have faith that it will resolve soon. I'm tired, I'm worn, but I know God will be by my side through all of it and pull me through. 

Day 40: Blessed Through The End- The Final Post

Honestly,  I struggle to write this. This project has been fun... well. I mean... let's clarify... fun, painful, torturous, nagging, insightful, eye- opening, revealing, terrifying, lonely.... a little bit of everything...

Let me start with a recap, then I'll go into a thoughtful anecdote to end our time together. Well... let's be real here. I know only about 3 people even read this thing, so my time reflecting on myself, along with a few who are along for the ride...

On Easter I started a 40 day journey and my goals were thus(a short version...for the long version, go here) :
Less:
-Less Facebook- well... that one worked:) I deactivated my Facebook about 1/2 way through because I was frustrated that I was wasting so much time on it and not fufilling my commitment to only being on it once a week and wasting so much of my precious free time on there instead of ya know... sleeping, eating.... things like that. 

-Less Sugar- I did pretty darn good, if I say so. I limited to one day per week in which I was allowed sugar, and even then I attempted not to over-indulge. I had my moments, lets be real, but I acknowledge that and know where my weaknesses are now. Also ,my week of being sick totally threw this off, so I plan to keep going with this one for at least another week- this may stick around for... ya know... for a very long time:) I may allow a treat here and there on a rare occasion, but once a week seems to fit best- I dig my weekly trip to get a scoop of ice cream from our local ice cream parlor. It's perfect. 

-Less complaining- Not sure I was successful with this. For about the first half I did well, but around the half way point, life pulled me under, but I think this is an area I'd love to see some future growth, as would those that are around me on a regular basis:)

MORE!!!
-More MUSIC!!!! I wasn't able to have my musical moments as often as I would have liked, but I did find myself sitting in awe of the lyrics of songs much more frequently, sitting in amazement of the perfect timing of a song on the radio, playing tunes on my guitar in the basement, or taking time to hammer out a tune when I was feeling low.

-More Writing!! I was not able to journal daily, as the blogging pretty much took up any desire I had to do that, but I hope that now that I am moving out of blogging daily, I can do that instead. I hope to update this lovely blog once a week to keep people posted, write anything that's been rattling around this head of mine that has any meaning, any news that should be shared,  stories that need telling, etc. I also still plan to begin writing my own biography of sorts- no clue how, when, or where, but I hope to make that a summer project. 


-More Sharing- I like to think that some of what I've posted on my blog was sharing more than I would normally share, but I don't think I've shared as much as I would have liked to about what God has done in my life, what he's doing, what's going on with me, etc. I think that's something that I'll be working on soon, and perhaps a part of the next section of this post;) I do hope to continue sharing my music, but I feel incredibly vain doing so.... we'll see how that goes in the future.

-More JESUS- Again, while this didn't go how I had planned, I think it turned out better than anticipated. I wanted to get up early and spend time digging deep. Unfortunately, this semester ate me up and spit me out, so really, most days I roll out of bed, throw together a bag and run out of the door- lucky if I have my head on straight. Also, my morning schedule collides with my roommate's, which would make a quiet time a bit trickier than I had anticipated. Not a good excuse, but what happened. So, instead of feeling tortured, I made a new plan. I have a nice little commute to work, so I decided to make the best of it where I could. I listened to the Daily Audio Bible when I could, and most recently, a friend pointed out a few podcast series that focus on areas that I am struggling with the most right now, so I've been spending most of my drive time, or 'down time'(aka chores or cooking time) doing that. It has given me somewhere to focus my mind rather than on my mess of a mind and the thoughts that are swirling around it at any given moment.


So... all in all- the challenge was.... a challenge. It was not a complete success, but I learned and I grew. I had no idea how much I would struggle and what curve balls I would be thrown in the 40 days, but through it all, I am praising Him in the storm, thankful he's there to brush off my bleeding, dirty knees, there to clean my wounds and carry me through it. 

Now, Technically yesterday was day 40. I miscalculated somewhere and missed a day. It would have been the perfect day. It would have had I not been such a mess. It would have in a perfect world. It would have been a beautiful little ribbon to tie off a perfect little challenge for a figurative little life I have planned out. But, being that my life is definitely not perfect, it wound up a hot mess...

See, yesterday was the one year anniversary of my baptism. How fitting that the 40th day after Easter this year would be my one year anniversary of my baptism. Remembering the day that I said... You know what... I had absolutely no idea what I was doing at the age of five, nor does any child that young. I didn't know what it meant to be baptized and I feel this ache in my soul that God wants me to throw everything aside and say, "I will follow you.... To the ends of this earth I will follow you." I've already shown it in some ways, but I needed to show myself and declare to my community.

In a perfect world I would have had tons of family and friends around me on that day, a huge party after, celebrating the beautiful day it was. It would have been an incredible celebration- full of laughter, stories, and encouragement. Instead, the day was filled with feelings of loneliness and remembering that this world is not my home- this is not an act for anyone but for me and God. I had about six friends come and support me that day. Four came out with me to dinner afterwards. It was a great celebration. Everything I had hoped and more- It was all worth it. The one year anniversary holds some bittersweet memories, however, as two of those people are no longer in my life. Nobody could have foreseen the pain that would come in the year ahead that would tear us apart. I had no idea how much this bothered me until last night, when it all came crashing down on me. 

At the same time, I remembered that in 3 days- May 20th- It will be the 2 year anniversary of my departure from the Africa Mercy. My heart aches so so so much with this. I know the AFM is not the same place I left, but I think of what it was when I left- the people who were there when I left- all that I left on that day, and I cannot help but completely break down. The people I left on that day are all my family- a family that will never all be in one place again until we meet again in heaven. That is a hard pill to swallow, but true. I miss them. I miss feeling a purpose with every day. I miss being able to go a deck down and look into the face of a patient, or a mama, and know exactly the reason why I came to serve these people, in this place, at this time. I miss my family, I miss my community, I miss my Africa.

I have experienced seasons of intense loneliness, but somehow this one is different. It is overwhelming me to the core of my being. It's not just sad, but suffocating. I have never felt this intensity of loneliness in my life. I know there is a reason for it, but I certainly do not like it.

As you can see, yesterday was far from that perfect bow I so wish I could have put on top of the '40 day challenge' cake, but, really, it is perfect. It is the perfect 'Michelle' bow- It sums up my life and who God created me to be. I am broken, but in Him I am made whole. Without Him I am NOTHING, but in Him, I am a new creation. I am poor in spirit, but with Him I am BLESSED... No matter what I face in each day, no matter what comes my way, the thing this challenge taught me... I am BLESSED. Always. 

Day 39: Farmers Market

I'll say more tomorrow but for now...

Day 38:Dangerously Busy

Today was one of those days that was dangerously busy with no room for breathing, but also one of those days that I wouldn't have changed a thing about. I rolled out of bed late due to my very late bedtime last night, got myself together and went to church. There, I got to serve in a different way than I've ever served, by watching the kiddos of the team who was prepping for tonight's service. 

Some would come and play on their phones and be passive during this time. I would rather have fun. So, I brought my trusted bag of library books in. The kids LOVED the books I had and had me read them over the movie that was playing in the background. *BOOM* teacher win!!!!! 

Later, the kids stormed the gates, aka the door and made a run for it. That ain't happening on my watch. I made it clear this was not acceptable, then learned t was with the goal of acquiring a stash of candy, which said children had in their pockets. 

We had a chat and I was able to tie in our virtue of the month from our older kids rooms- honesty- into it, which my older two knew exactly what I was talking about. It was a moment that would have easily been missed if someone hadn't been looking for it. I also took a moment to let them know that this is not just a job for me- I love what I do- and I love them. While I do not see these kids often it is especially true of them, as their parents pour so much into our church. It is an honor and a privilege to love their babies. 

After our heart to heart a sweet baby came who quickly got restless. In hopes to keep her happy, we took a walk, which turned into me entertaining her and then putting her down for a nap. For a moment I thought I may be in for a year-filled afternoon, but those tears were simply boredom. I am so thankful for that. I am also thankful I got time to bond with this sweet baby and get to know her  bit better:) 

After that, I scurried to pick up one of my kiddos from work that I babysat tonight, then we came back to mosaic, where I dropped her off and went to Upstreet. Thankfully she was very happy and excited- no tears until we left mosaic- she was sad to leave. 

After 'the witching hour' of figuring out how to help a sad 2 year old, I finally got her to rest and fall asleep. Then the challenge was how to stay awake myself for 3 hours before her parents came home. What a beautiful problem to have.

It was a busy day, and I fear I am getting sick again, but it was a great one. 

Despite it all, I keep finding myself feeling down and unsure of the future- grasping for certainty that is not there- solid ground that is not close .... A few weeks to go until routine but... This will have to be the new normal for now. Before I had too much homework, now I'm drowning in over 50 hours of work that I need to pay rent, groceries, gas, hours lost during Kenya, and coming tuition....  New normal... I thought it would be so much better than this.

Day 37: blessed to be a blessing

Days like today I just feel blessed to have the ability to bless others- bless my kids by being the best teacher I can, which often means getting coffee on my breaks:), blessed to have just enough to be able to bless others by providing for them when they have a need, blessed to have skills that allow that to happen, blessed to have an able body that allows me to go non-stop standing pretty much exclusively for 17 hours with a few one ta of respite here and there. Blessed that I get to bless. I am thankful for that today.