Through the Storm

I looked at my blog and realized how long it has laid stagnant. This makes me sad, but I realize why this is the case. I simply didn't know what to say here without baring my soul. So. I decided maybe it was time to do just that.

This was not written without much thought, hesitation, and fear. But, I realized that by putting this out into the world, I might be able to help more people. This is not written for pity, but with the hopes that if someone else is going through something like this, they will find a ray of hope, find someone they can talk to about what they are going through, and see that despite it all, there is light in the dark.

After I returned home from Kenya, I thought I had a stomach bug. I rested extra and took it easy, but it just wouldn't pass. I returned to work and things were just not going well for me. I didn't feel well and it became clear a few weeks later that something was terribly wrong. I went to the doctor, was put through a gamut of testing, referred to a GI doctor, put through another stream of testing. The doctor told me that I was too young to be exhibiting these symptoms and we needed to test IMMEDIATELY... My heart dropped... this meant one thing in my mind... he feared the worst.

The weeks between this conversation and testing were terrifying. So many thoughts ran through my mind. Would I have to go through chemo at the age of 27. Would my life ever be the way it was before; crossfitting and doing yoga at least once a week, eating whatever I want, using my body for every day tasks, as well as for fun hobbies.  Would my quality of life ever be what it was before? So far, all of the answers have been no.

I went into my first round of testing, with a friend by my side, who I am so thankful for. I went under hoping for the best. I came out and my doctor told me there was no sign of cancer. I could breathe for the first time in weeks. There was nothing pointing to anything horrific, but a biopsy was taken and I would receive my results in 7-14 days. I breathed and for about 7 days I went about my life as normal.

On about day 8, it began to hit me again. What if they found something wrong? What if the results come back with something worse than the original thought, which was something fairly minor, easily treated, for which I would be in remission in a matter of weeks. I was wrecked and had to lean in to God. I had been functioning on MY strength, but that was completely exhausted. It was gone. During this time, I had changed jobs due to plenty of circumstances, started my new placement for school, started a new semester, had so much going on to juggle on top of all of this. I was done and I was at the bottom. God picked me up, dusted me off, and got me through those long, long days.

I finally got my letter in the mail. My dad texted me the results, as I couldn't get them immediately when they were sent. The office wouldn't say my results over the phone, which should've been my first sign, but once I saw the results, my heart completely dropped. I got them after an appointment elsewhere, and I sat in my car SOBBING. I immediately began texting friends asking for prayer. This road was going to be rough. I'd done my research. I knew that this meant.

Ulcerative Colitis. I called the doctor's office and they wanted me to come in immediately for a consult. The day I got my diagnosis is both a blur and a day that I remember vividly. I went to Starbucks, because I had SO much work to get done, then drove home, sobbing the whole way home.  I got home and said, "I don't have time to feel." So, I shut myself down and got busy.

I went to my doctor only 4 days later. He started me on heavy steroids immediately. The day after I began, I automatically had my energy back. I almost cried I was so excited. I would get so tired during the day, it was overwhelming. I would climb the stairs and feel like I'd climbed Everest. I'd be winded from walking from my car to the front door of church. I would feel like I was going to pass out from walking down the hall at school. Now that I felt better, I went back to crossfit for a day, but couldn't keep up, got so frustrated with my body. Then, it all came crashing down.

Suddenly, it all stopped working. I had new symptoms, things weren't working the way there supposed to, I went back to the doctor, ended up switching doctors due to a scheduling flubb.... loonnnnng story short, we did more testing, found more issues, began treating them, then began trial and error. One med didn't work, so we tried a new one. New symptoms show up, switch meds, see a new specialist for another weird symptom, try a new med, add a new med for a new condition that rears its head, switch meds, add a new med..... the beat goes on.

Things have felt... impossible at times. There have been days that were so suffocation overwhelming and I didn't know how I would get through them. But, through it all, I truly believe God was right there by my side, holding me, supporting me. Even when those I needed failed me, he held me. When I felt my singleness more than ever, which for those who have chronic illnesses... it's so hard... he reminded me that I was not alone. When I had needs, He always provided for me. In my hardest, darkest days and nights, he always got me through, made me stronger, and has made me a stronger, better person at the end of the day.

If I could be healed right now, I would take it, but I would not take this all back, because it taught me who my true friends are, taught me that my church community truly supports me and is there, taught me that God is my rock and the only thing I can depend on at the end of the day, and that in the darkest of nights, there is always a light.

The past two days have been a challenge for me, as I've been reminded constantly of my yearning to return overseas. I went to an Arts Integration Conference at UMBC yesterday and one of the tracks I went to was focused on Kenya and using Global partnerships for arts integration and utilizing them to further your student's educational experiences. The presenter invited us to join her in Kenya this summer. Mosaic also has several trips abroad this summer, one of which I applied to. It became clear last week when my body completely failed me that I absolutely cannot go anywhere anytime soon outside of the US. If I have an emergency, I need to be able to get a hold of my doctor and be close to a pharmacy if needed. I need to be able to rest comfortably, and need to be able to take care of myself. Things that are a luxury in Kenya and Haiti.  It is attainable in Poland, but the travel itself would do me in.

My heart completely shatters with the idea that I will never return overseas due to this illness. But, it gives me motivation to get better, take care of myself, and heal.  In the meantime, I realize... I am in the middle of an incredible community at my school(s), have some incredible opportunities, I just joined an honor society with my department... I have so many opportunities. I need to be sure I'm not so far sighted that I lose site of what is here now. That's deadly.

If you got to the end of this... thank you. If you are going through something and ever need to talk... please don't hesitate to reach out. This journey has been so hard and going through it alone at times has made it feel impossible. You are NOT alone... God is ALWAYS there, and I am more than willing to stand by you...

Also, if you're reading this and are up for it... please keep me in your prayers. I thought this would be over by now, but we are 6 months in and have no end in sight. I'm very tired, but have faith that it will resolve soon. I'm tired, I'm worn, but I know God will be by my side through all of it and pull me through. 

Day 40: Blessed Through The End- The Final Post

Honestly,  I struggle to write this. This project has been fun... well. I mean... let's clarify... fun, painful, torturous, nagging, insightful, eye- opening, revealing, terrifying, lonely.... a little bit of everything...

Let me start with a recap, then I'll go into a thoughtful anecdote to end our time together. Well... let's be real here. I know only about 3 people even read this thing, so my time reflecting on myself, along with a few who are along for the ride...

On Easter I started a 40 day journey and my goals were thus(a short version...for the long version, go here) :
Less:
-Less Facebook- well... that one worked:) I deactivated my Facebook about 1/2 way through because I was frustrated that I was wasting so much time on it and not fufilling my commitment to only being on it once a week and wasting so much of my precious free time on there instead of ya know... sleeping, eating.... things like that. 

-Less Sugar- I did pretty darn good, if I say so. I limited to one day per week in which I was allowed sugar, and even then I attempted not to over-indulge. I had my moments, lets be real, but I acknowledge that and know where my weaknesses are now. Also ,my week of being sick totally threw this off, so I plan to keep going with this one for at least another week- this may stick around for... ya know... for a very long time:) I may allow a treat here and there on a rare occasion, but once a week seems to fit best- I dig my weekly trip to get a scoop of ice cream from our local ice cream parlor. It's perfect. 

-Less complaining- Not sure I was successful with this. For about the first half I did well, but around the half way point, life pulled me under, but I think this is an area I'd love to see some future growth, as would those that are around me on a regular basis:)

MORE!!!
-More MUSIC!!!! I wasn't able to have my musical moments as often as I would have liked, but I did find myself sitting in awe of the lyrics of songs much more frequently, sitting in amazement of the perfect timing of a song on the radio, playing tunes on my guitar in the basement, or taking time to hammer out a tune when I was feeling low.

-More Writing!! I was not able to journal daily, as the blogging pretty much took up any desire I had to do that, but I hope that now that I am moving out of blogging daily, I can do that instead. I hope to update this lovely blog once a week to keep people posted, write anything that's been rattling around this head of mine that has any meaning, any news that should be shared,  stories that need telling, etc. I also still plan to begin writing my own biography of sorts- no clue how, when, or where, but I hope to make that a summer project. 


-More Sharing- I like to think that some of what I've posted on my blog was sharing more than I would normally share, but I don't think I've shared as much as I would have liked to about what God has done in my life, what he's doing, what's going on with me, etc. I think that's something that I'll be working on soon, and perhaps a part of the next section of this post;) I do hope to continue sharing my music, but I feel incredibly vain doing so.... we'll see how that goes in the future.

-More JESUS- Again, while this didn't go how I had planned, I think it turned out better than anticipated. I wanted to get up early and spend time digging deep. Unfortunately, this semester ate me up and spit me out, so really, most days I roll out of bed, throw together a bag and run out of the door- lucky if I have my head on straight. Also, my morning schedule collides with my roommate's, which would make a quiet time a bit trickier than I had anticipated. Not a good excuse, but what happened. So, instead of feeling tortured, I made a new plan. I have a nice little commute to work, so I decided to make the best of it where I could. I listened to the Daily Audio Bible when I could, and most recently, a friend pointed out a few podcast series that focus on areas that I am struggling with the most right now, so I've been spending most of my drive time, or 'down time'(aka chores or cooking time) doing that. It has given me somewhere to focus my mind rather than on my mess of a mind and the thoughts that are swirling around it at any given moment.


So... all in all- the challenge was.... a challenge. It was not a complete success, but I learned and I grew. I had no idea how much I would struggle and what curve balls I would be thrown in the 40 days, but through it all, I am praising Him in the storm, thankful he's there to brush off my bleeding, dirty knees, there to clean my wounds and carry me through it. 

Now, Technically yesterday was day 40. I miscalculated somewhere and missed a day. It would have been the perfect day. It would have had I not been such a mess. It would have in a perfect world. It would have been a beautiful little ribbon to tie off a perfect little challenge for a figurative little life I have planned out. But, being that my life is definitely not perfect, it wound up a hot mess...

See, yesterday was the one year anniversary of my baptism. How fitting that the 40th day after Easter this year would be my one year anniversary of my baptism. Remembering the day that I said... You know what... I had absolutely no idea what I was doing at the age of five, nor does any child that young. I didn't know what it meant to be baptized and I feel this ache in my soul that God wants me to throw everything aside and say, "I will follow you.... To the ends of this earth I will follow you." I've already shown it in some ways, but I needed to show myself and declare to my community.

In a perfect world I would have had tons of family and friends around me on that day, a huge party after, celebrating the beautiful day it was. It would have been an incredible celebration- full of laughter, stories, and encouragement. Instead, the day was filled with feelings of loneliness and remembering that this world is not my home- this is not an act for anyone but for me and God. I had about six friends come and support me that day. Four came out with me to dinner afterwards. It was a great celebration. Everything I had hoped and more- It was all worth it. The one year anniversary holds some bittersweet memories, however, as two of those people are no longer in my life. Nobody could have foreseen the pain that would come in the year ahead that would tear us apart. I had no idea how much this bothered me until last night, when it all came crashing down on me. 

At the same time, I remembered that in 3 days- May 20th- It will be the 2 year anniversary of my departure from the Africa Mercy. My heart aches so so so much with this. I know the AFM is not the same place I left, but I think of what it was when I left- the people who were there when I left- all that I left on that day, and I cannot help but completely break down. The people I left on that day are all my family- a family that will never all be in one place again until we meet again in heaven. That is a hard pill to swallow, but true. I miss them. I miss feeling a purpose with every day. I miss being able to go a deck down and look into the face of a patient, or a mama, and know exactly the reason why I came to serve these people, in this place, at this time. I miss my family, I miss my community, I miss my Africa.

I have experienced seasons of intense loneliness, but somehow this one is different. It is overwhelming me to the core of my being. It's not just sad, but suffocating. I have never felt this intensity of loneliness in my life. I know there is a reason for it, but I certainly do not like it.

As you can see, yesterday was far from that perfect bow I so wish I could have put on top of the '40 day challenge' cake, but, really, it is perfect. It is the perfect 'Michelle' bow- It sums up my life and who God created me to be. I am broken, but in Him I am made whole. Without Him I am NOTHING, but in Him, I am a new creation. I am poor in spirit, but with Him I am BLESSED... No matter what I face in each day, no matter what comes my way, the thing this challenge taught me... I am BLESSED. Always. 

Day 39: Farmers Market

I'll say more tomorrow but for now...

Day 38:Dangerously Busy

Today was one of those days that was dangerously busy with no room for breathing, but also one of those days that I wouldn't have changed a thing about. I rolled out of bed late due to my very late bedtime last night, got myself together and went to church. There, I got to serve in a different way than I've ever served, by watching the kiddos of the team who was prepping for tonight's service. 

Some would come and play on their phones and be passive during this time. I would rather have fun. So, I brought my trusted bag of library books in. The kids LOVED the books I had and had me read them over the movie that was playing in the background. *BOOM* teacher win!!!!! 

Later, the kids stormed the gates, aka the door and made a run for it. That ain't happening on my watch. I made it clear this was not acceptable, then learned t was with the goal of acquiring a stash of candy, which said children had in their pockets. 

We had a chat and I was able to tie in our virtue of the month from our older kids rooms- honesty- into it, which my older two knew exactly what I was talking about. It was a moment that would have easily been missed if someone hadn't been looking for it. I also took a moment to let them know that this is not just a job for me- I love what I do- and I love them. While I do not see these kids often it is especially true of them, as their parents pour so much into our church. It is an honor and a privilege to love their babies. 

After our heart to heart a sweet baby came who quickly got restless. In hopes to keep her happy, we took a walk, which turned into me entertaining her and then putting her down for a nap. For a moment I thought I may be in for a year-filled afternoon, but those tears were simply boredom. I am so thankful for that. I am also thankful I got time to bond with this sweet baby and get to know her  bit better:) 

After that, I scurried to pick up one of my kiddos from work that I babysat tonight, then we came back to mosaic, where I dropped her off and went to Upstreet. Thankfully she was very happy and excited- no tears until we left mosaic- she was sad to leave. 

After 'the witching hour' of figuring out how to help a sad 2 year old, I finally got her to rest and fall asleep. Then the challenge was how to stay awake myself for 3 hours before her parents came home. What a beautiful problem to have.

It was a busy day, and I fear I am getting sick again, but it was a great one. 

Despite it all, I keep finding myself feeling down and unsure of the future- grasping for certainty that is not there- solid ground that is not close .... A few weeks to go until routine but... This will have to be the new normal for now. Before I had too much homework, now I'm drowning in over 50 hours of work that I need to pay rent, groceries, gas, hours lost during Kenya, and coming tuition....  New normal... I thought it would be so much better than this.

Day 37: blessed to be a blessing

Days like today I just feel blessed to have the ability to bless others- bless my kids by being the best teacher I can, which often means getting coffee on my breaks:), blessed to have just enough to be able to bless others by providing for them when they have a need, blessed to have skills that allow that to happen, blessed to have an able body that allows me to go non-stop standing pretty much exclusively for 17 hours with a few one ta of respite here and there. Blessed that I get to bless. I am thankful for that today. 

Day 36:Groups

Growth groups are back in session...well mine is...I think we are back a week early but I wouldn't have it any other way. We met for the first time- 18 women seeking Gods direction and aching for more from life... Can't wait to see what comes of it. 

Day 36: Food

Tonight, I rolled up to my house and suddenly remembered my roommate was hosting students. I was sweaty, tired, and most of all hungry. 

I shuffled in and said hello quickly so   get a shower and make some dinner. Upon my return back downstairs, I was offered food...now... I was starving and had just worked out after a long day at work..not to  mention the students are international students and my favorite foods are from all over the world - I was in great hands. 

It was a huge blessing And my favorite thing that happened today:)