An update from the Land of Michelle

Man, how the times have changed. It's been a while, so I thought I'd do a quick 'me in a nutshell' post and I hope to update this more often.

Since my last post(in September), life looks very different for me.

In the fall, I worked on my Child Life practicum at Children's National in DC. I was able to complete rotations in the General Unit, Radiology, and Neurosciences. I learned more than I ever could imagine! I was only placed in my first choice rotation once, but my coordinators always seemed to know better than me what the best choice of unit and supervisor was. It was incredible.

Juggling my job at Target on top of my Practicum was overwhelming, as many days were about 17 hours long, but I had enough short days to counter this. I was cross-trained at the Starbucks in the store(all run by target employees and management). Had it not been for Starbucks, I would've quit a lot sooner than I did. I applied to Internships, but the places I applied failed to mention on their websites that they would NOT be accepting people who had not COMPLETED their Practicum. Major set back, which was hard to take, but I kept pushing on.

In October, I was able to take a vacation to TX to see two great friends of mine from the ship get married, which also meant I got to see one of my ship families. We had an AMAZING time, as I was able to spend two nights with my 'nieces' at a friend's house, who I hadn't seen since I left for the ship in 2011. I also got to see my sister, Ashley, who was living in Richardson at the time. It was a great trip overall.

When I returned back to my little room, I was told I needed to move out due to a family emergency of the friends I was staying with. So, I moved home. The first few weeks were great, but now that I'm settled in, the clutter has come along with it and I am now working on re-organizing and decorating my room, as I'll more than likely be living there until the fall. I want it to be my safe haven, not my junkyard.

The holidays came and went with little notice by me, since work was so insanely crazy. I had quite a few culture shock moments, as I missed my friends from the ship and remembered both what I went though last winter, as well as the joys of the season last year. I was not able to enjoy my family and my surroundings this year- soaking it up as I wanted to, but I simply had no choice. I also heard back from the internships for the Summer- out of the four I applied for, one was not offering, and the other 3 said no. Another set-back.

Then came the completion of my practicum, which was extremely bittersweet. Saying goodbye to my incredible supervisors and new friends, as well as patients, was difficult, but I was looking forward to the next step. Things didn't exactly go as planned. I was seeking a nanny job, found one, but it fell through. My 'out' of Target fell out of my grasp literally the day that I put in my two weeks notice. I decided to keep that 2 weeks in place and revoke it if needed. Over those last two weeks, I realized I disagreed morally with the treatment of the employees by management, but also the use of our resources. I knew this was the time.

I went to my sister's in North Carolina the day after I quit, which was an adventure of its own- driving STRAIGHT into that big snowstorm we got in February. We got there after 12 hours on the road and spent some much needed time with my sister, Heather, and her little family. We also celebrated my nephew, James', FIRST BIRTHDAY!! Crazy!

I thought I'd end up with weeks of time on my hands with nothing to do except focus on my applications again, but that's not how it happened. Almost immediately, a friend contacted me about a babysitting job for a day or two. This turned into, “Hey, can you watch our son almost daily?” Of course I said, “YES!!!” Because of this awesome friend, I was able to gain multiple jobs, which has CERTAINLY put me in my element. I love my job!

I also found a new church, which is amazing and meets me right where I'm at while challenging me. I've had a few moments of insecurity, but I have to remember that relationships take a lot of time and work. I'm reminded that God is the same no matter how my circumstances change. It's a huge comfort to me.

Right now, I am in the process of working on Graduate School applications, which I'll work on while I wait for an internship and in-between my internship and my exam. I'll need a masters by 2022 and it doesn't necessarily need to be in Child Life, since I'll hopefully be grand-fathered in by then. I'll go for my Masters in Teaching with dual certification in Theatre and either English or Early Childhood, which will help me out greatly have an edge on my competition in the Child Life realm. I'll apply for internships for the fall around the USA- I have 20 picked out and will be working on those once my PRAXIS and Grad School application is finished.

So...that's me for now;) I'll try to do better with posting. If you have questions, let me know and I'll post the answers;) 

The Cry of my heart

My greatest issue is one that I need grace and patience through. If you are not going to approach my rant with an open mind, stop reAding now.

I came home and felt completely alone. Then I invested in a few friends and all was well until my sweet friends were taken for various reasons-some by distance and some due to life circumstances... It was hard to come home only to say goodbye to my new friends. They are still here for me, but all have families to care for and I'm not a huge priority. Understood and I do not hold any of this against them. 

Suddenly the place that should have been my refuge has become my battleground. I'm talking about church. There was a time-a few weeks after I got home- that church was my favorite place to be. I would be there as much as possible- especially when my new friends were around. Now that life has pulled them away, church is a place I don't want to be. I feel insecure, judged, and like nobody cares where I am, where I've been, where I want to be, or what I've gone through. Several times people have said hurtful things to my face. Several times, people ask how I am, but as I begin expressing it, they smile, say 'okay' and walk away. Several times I have asked to spend time with several people, yet it has yet to happen.

I have given up. I would love to hide for the next few months in my room(ps my new room, roommates and house are fantastic:):):)). Just bear the next months and deal. I'm aware there are seasons of life we are called to be alone... I did a few of those seasons on the ship and looking back they were well worth the times I was surrounded. I wonder if I will look back and be thankful for this. I think it's hardest because I've tasted what it is like to be loved and surrounded here, but it's been snatched with none of us wanting it to but it did...

I have yet to share anything about Africa with my church, which is hard because they loved and supported me while I was gone... I cannot deny the prayers they covered me with and financial support they provided... But suddenly when I am stateside... Nobody cares. No warm welcome just a lot of 'oh! She's home!'  People said if I need anything, let them know... I don't need anything tangible but I need patience and someone to help me through this transition. Nobody is up for that it seems.

Sometimes I blame myself for all of this... Maybe I am doing something f wrong... Then I know that's a lie. I would love to blame the undeniable cliques that I am confronted with in the place I should feel safe in, but I know it is made of people who put up a front and make mistakes too... They are just good at hiding it. I have never 'belonged' to any group or clique... I'm glad but it's exhausting being an outsider seeing all of the Facebook posts about parties I will never be invited to, seeing pictures of people having fun. I should be happy for them that they have that love and support, but I rage with jealousy.

I am also having a hard time fitting in because I'm a single woman. There are very few young adults in my church... All people I hang out with are talking about is marriage and their kids. I am happy they have been blessed in these ways, but in the company of single women who wish more than anything to find 'the one' and have babies but it just is not happening yet because she is waiting for Gods timing and trying to be patient, this is a glaring shot through the heart... It hurts. It's not just annoying... It HURTS!!

I am tempted to leave the church I grew up in, but then how will change occur? Do I give up? Or fight? I wish I knew.

I'm BACCK

After a 3 month haitus, I think it's time I return to the blogger-verse. I miss it. I miss writing. I miss having a place for people to catch up with me who are across the world... across the country, state, county, street...;) A place that I can write what I please and people will puruse. :)

Many of you are probably thinking, "WHAT IS THIS GIRL UP TO..."

In a nutshell.. I'm going CRAZY! I've been home for 3 months... but I still haven't gotten everything figured out. I'm behind on thank-yous, budgeting, figuring my life out... but I think that all comes with the territory of returning from a 3rd world country. I'm learning I need to start slowing down on enjoying my various vices(coffee to be specific), as it's weighing heavily on my pocket and at this time I am unemployed.I have savings, but would prefer to save them until I NEED them- like if I have to move across the country or something.

This week is probably one of the crazier weeks since I got home... I'm applying to 10 hospitals across the US(most on the east coast) for my Child Life Internship and need to get them done ASAP. I am having surgery(dental implant for that pesky tooth that has been missing forever in the front of my mouth) on Friday and want more than anything to complete my applications by that day so 1)I can be done with the stress of it all and 2) so I can relax post-surgery. Goodness knows I'm a WIMP when it comes to surgery. I know this one isn't a big deal, but any surgery for me turns into a big deal, so I figure better be prepared just in case right?

I also am in the process of moving out. A sweet friend of mine offered me a room in their home for a great price, so I am currently working on moving all of my things from my house to the new house, organize it all, and figure out the system of my new place:) It'll be great, as the room is like 1.5 sizes bigger than my room on the ship and it's just me- I'm not sharing with my bunkmate. By some standards it's small, but right now I need simple, and that's just what it is... it's PERFECT for me:)

Many people are confused as to what the difference between a practicum and an internship are and what on earth Child Life is... so let me take a moment to explain.

Child Life- A Child Life Specialist(CLS) works in hospitals with kids and explains in a kid-friendly way what they can expect- of their disease, surgery, procedure, hospital stay, etc. through medical and therapeutic play. They are also essentially the family's advocate- they try to ensure that the well being of the entire family is positive and that all needs are met to keep the family functioning as well as possible in this setting. They provide developmental activities and play to children in order to keep them developmentally on-track. They also provide education to medical staff who might not otherwise understand how to communicate effectively to children, fund raise, and hold events and activities in order to help the kids cope with their situations.

Practicum= 12 hours a week at a hospital not paid(Mine is Children's National in DC- where I grew up going!!:) ) essentially shadowing, receiving training, and understanding the career by observation and trying things out as you go. There are also homework assignments given in order to help facilitate the process.

Internship= 40 hours a week- not paid. You are basically a working CLS under constant supervision of a higher-up certified CLS. You also have TONS of outside work... probably putting me at about 50 hours of work a week EASILLLLY.... it's a lot of work, but necessary.

Exam- Takes place last and is just like sitting for any other high-level exam. They test your knowledge of psychology and the field... yikes...

So that's all of it. I'll start the practicum September 9th, the Internship apps are due the 5th... good times.:)

Well... that's all I'll say for now... but stay tuned for your next episode...;)

2: infection!!!!!

You know that spill I took yesterday... Now an infection... Africa had one more illness for me... Thankfully I was paying attention to a line growing up my arm and had some awesome accountability and nurses and dr who took care of me at 11:30 :) thanks guys!!!!

All bags are packed, almost everything is back to rightful owners and tomorrow is the day... Yikes!!!

My party got cancelled since me and one of the nieces were the only people there for a good while, but it was actually a huge blessing!!! Instead I got time to process through worship... Cry, laugh, thank God, and snuggle with all 5 of my nieces. Hard day of closure... Saying bye to Lazares kids, realizing this is real... I'll be home in under 48 hours

Now to try and sleep despite the pain in my hand and anxiety about tomorrow.

3: Sleepless

I lay here in bed dreading sleeping... I know I need to to be sane tomorrow, but I don't want to. My body hurts from a wipe out I had while walking back from dinner out with a friend. Thankful no stitches were needed. I'm also sore from dancing my heart out during a goodbye event for dear friends who leave a week after me.

Sleep means tomorrow comes sooner. Tomorrow I have to say bye to my heart... My kids at lazares... I have to let them go and stop dreaming that one day I could take one home. I've known this all along but it didn't stop me from falling in love with my sweet Jean and wish I could take him home. I hope and pray these sweet ones would find their ways into loving homes. Truth is, many of my sweet kids will never have a home except Lazares since they are not adoptable... Mainly due to laws in the US and Guinea itself banning children with HIv from being adopted. They have done nothing wrong... Many we're born with it and many contracted it due to abuse... The deserve homes but they will never get them.

If anyone out there is reading this and remotely interested in adopting, please let me know!!! I know this place personally and each kid that lives there. Lazare has made an excellent home for them, but it would be amazing for those who can be adopted, like Jean, to be adopted. 

Tomorrow will come far too soon for me. Please, if you think to, pray for me and the day of goodbyes ahead.  Pray my babies wouldn't feel abandoned by me but blessed that we had 10 months together. My heart has NEVER been so connected and unified with a place as it is with Lazares and my sweet ones there. Seriously- if you have any interest, let me know!!!!!

I love you all. Thanks for your prayers. Goodnight and wish me luck!!!!

5: More Lasts

Today was PACKED with all kinds of activities, work and fun!!!

Most notably I had my last 2-3 grade class which was rather sad to me:(? We had a blast playing games:) Then one of my ship sisters took me out for ice cream and a pastry which was wayyyy fun. We shared fun stories and also talked about the changes coming. She has done the long term transition before so it's nice to get some perspective And a few warnings headed into it from my wise big sister:) 

When I got back I got to have dinner with one if my itherbshipsisters and her family(my sweet niece Hailey and my big brother:)) then I played with Hailey which made me late to my going away bible study party.... It was a surprise but a greAt time!!!

Now I go to bed with a Massive headache as I'm sure I drank way too much coffee and not enough water today... Oh dear.... Bed calls;)

6: party central

Leaving is tough but it sure is a fun excuse to have a party!!! Today I finished up with my 6-8 th graders and my 4-5 th graders. My 6-8 put on a show in order to show me how much they learned in our stage fighting workshop yesterday. Then we had snacks:) 

My 4-5 th  class was smart and chained their class reward party with their end of  the year party!  What they chose was to bring tons of snacks and watch Wreck It Ralph (GREAT movie) and stay after school to finish it. It took some pulling of strings to get it organize but all parents seemed happy for their kid to get a little extra fun out of me before I go.

This evening, 2 of my awesome friends organized a fondue party for me... Proper Swiss cheese and chocolate and all. It was a fun time of friends and fellowship for sure. Thanks Marty and Catherine!!!!!! You guys rock!!!

Then I got to go and celebrate my babies who had surgery on their cleft lips/ palates or will soon!!  Brings joy to my heart!!!!!! N